PISSED OFF.... Yea, I know I was all gratitude last week, but I need to vent. Everything and everyone is pissing me off. I then feel guilty, which pisses me off even more. I need to be free. Stop the ride I wanna get off! Leave me the fuck alone! Seriously, if I have to get up from a seated position that I had only enjoyed for 4 nanoseconds -one more time- I am gonna lose my shit! If I have to repeat myself, repeat myself, repeat myself, one more time, it ain’t gonna be pretty! If I have to hound you like a dog, for one more thing, there will be hell to pay.
Prep of a Typical Meal
First Born:
“What are we having?”
“When will it be ready?”
“I don’t want/like______?”
“Can I have a snack?”
“BUT I AM STARRRRRRVING!”
“You NEVER believe me when I tell you I am starving!”
“I’m bored!”
Little One:
“Can I help you cook, Mommy?”
“Mommy, First Borny is starrrrrrrving!”
“Mommy can I go upstairs like First Born do’s?”
“Mommy, when we gonna eat?”
Typical Meal
Both Children:
“Can I have some more milk/syrup/juice/pork chop/cheese/yogurt/sauce/meatballs/sausage?”
“I need to go poopies and I need help.”
“MAAAAAAOOOMMMM! I HATE this kind of chicken!”
“I dropped my fork, can I have another one?”
“Do we have any bread?”
“Can I have some more?”
“MOOOMMMMMMM, I spilled my milk all over my pants, can you help me?”
After I clean up the mess that I never even got to sit down and enjoy, it is homework time. There are many nights The Hub is just getting home around this time or later. Recently he has been home but unable to help because of his bad back.
Typical homework ritual
Me:
“Where is your ruler?”
“Where is your pencil?”
“Where is your homework book?”
“Where is your log sheet?”
“Slow down.”
“Sit down.”
“Sit Up.”
“Slow down, this is not a race.”
“Did you read the directions?”
“Pay attention!”
“Use your eraser when you mess up.”
“There is no way anyone can read that!”
“FOCUS”
“If you just slow down, you do really good..... SLOW DOWN, damnit!”
First Born:
“I’m SO stupid, I just can’t do it!”
“This homework is gonna take foorrrr evverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!”
“I HATE reading out loud.”
“MOOMMMM, you are not doing the math right. That is NOT the way we learned it.”
“I am terrible at writing/reading/math.”
“I am trying.... But I caaaaaaaannnnnn’t!’
Bed time
Me (in the vein of the classic Bill Cosby):
“Go upstairs, get undressed, get in the shower, turn on the water, use soap, wash your hair with shampoo, rinse off, turn off the water, dry off, put your pajamas on, brush your teeth and get in bed.”
As you know it never goes as I instruct. I inevitably have to go upstairs 30mins later and tell the First Born to get OUT of the shower. At the age of 9 he is already a marathon shower-er. If allowed, he would be in there for an hour. Then I have to make sure that he puts underwear on, which he is opposed to. Why? I am convinced it is pure laziness. Then we start with this ->
First Born:
“I can NEVER fall asleep!”
“I am NOT EVEN Tired!”
“I hate being in here all by myself!”
“Why does Little One get to sleep in your bed?”
“I saw a commercial today that scared me and I can’t stop thinking about it!”
“I miss Meesha.” (our -now deceased- cat)
“What are we doing tomorrow?”
“Why am I not in AdP?” (advanced placement)
“When are we going to Nana and PopPops again?”
“I miss Nana, I wish I was sleeping there tonight.”
Then there is Little One who is now running around naked. To dress him is a practice in contortion, patience, humiliation. It goes something like this ->
Me:
“STAND UP!”
“No, turn around”
“Stand up!”
"TURN AROUND!"
“The other foot, the other foot, the other foot!”
“The other arm, the other arm.”
“TURN AROUND!”
“STAND UP!”
“Put both feet on the floor!”
“Get your head up off of the floor!”
“Stand up!”
“Alright just lay down, then..... On your BACK!”
“No, roll OVER!”
“GODDAMNIT CHILD!”
“No, Mommy is not happy! I am laughing because you are driving me nuts!”
“Yes, your are right, some kids can not have nuts.”
“Yes, you can eat nuts.”
“Yes, I like nuts.”
“Almonds, walnuts and peanuts.”
“They grow on trees, well, except for peanuts, but they are not really nuts they are legumes.”
“Legumes are like beans.”
“I know, peanuts, do not look like beans or taste like beans. Now please, let’s go brush teeth”
“This IS YOUR toothpaste!”
“Open, Open, Open wider!”
“Wait, wipe your mouth off!”
Then after everyone is in bed, which includes me, at 8:00pm, I sit in the bed on my computer next to Little One and field more questions.
Little One:
“Mommy, can I read books like First Borny do’s?
“Mommy, when was I in your belly?”
“Mommy, when was Benny in your belly?”
“Mommy, when was Daddy in your belly?”
“Who’s belly was Daddy in?”
“Was I ever in Daddy’s belly?”
“Mommy, when we gonna buy another baby? I real little one... a girl baby?”
“Why can’t we get another baby?”
“Can you have another baby in your belly, a girl baby?”
“Can we get a baby cat? Can Rubi have baby dogs?”
“Can I have some fresh water?”
“Mommy, where is monkey!!?? MOMMY I NEED MONKEY!”
“Thank you Mommy.”
“Mommy, what are you typing?”
“Can I type with you?”
At this point I shut him down with a, “There is no more talking, now, go to sleep.” and then I ignore any more questions. I start thinking about wanting another child and the fact that I can’t have anymore. I start to think about adoption again. I think about having an infant and being over 40, then I think about adopting an older baby, since the infant phase is so difficult for me. I think about how much debt we have and how I want to start working again. If we had another baby I would not be able to nurse this one and formula alone would send us over the edge of our OWN fiscal cliff.
Then First Born walks into our room and asks if he can turn on the bathroom light in the hallway. I tell him yes as I kiss his forehead, wondering how and when he got so big. He will be taller than me soon. Little One is now asleep snuggled up under my arm, with monkey snuggled under his arm. The Hubs is in the guest room on the floor, because he threw his back out while tying his shoes. (that is another story for another day)
Everyone is asleep. I need to sleep, but this is the ONLY time, where I am ALONE. This is the only time I can sit and do what I want. What do I want to do? ANYTHING WITHOUT INTERRUPTION! It is this time of day that I am usually not so pissed off. I can look at things a little more rationally which leads to my criticism of everything I did wrong all day. I analyze and try to reprogram so that tomorrow I am not so short with First Born and give him some more one on one attention. Tomorrow I can let Little One help make lunch, so he feels more involved and important.
I remember all the things I was thankful for last week and start to cry, since I am being such a bitch now. I write all this down and you beautiful people take the time out of your busy day to READ it. I instantly feel better. Thank YOU! I hope you can laugh at me as I just re-read this and laughed at myself. Thank you.
