October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

The line was very faint.

I did it again and the line was darker.  

Different brand and the plus sign was there.

I jumped into the bed with The Hub and showed him the sticks.  Finally!  Finally, after trying for almost 2 years and I was pregnant.  It was a sigh of relief.  No more fertility shots and runs to the Dr.  No more stressing every month.  We did it.  

I called my fertility Dr. and got in to see him.  The blood work came back positive.  I went in again for the initial ultrasound to see the gestational sac in the lining of my uterus. The little Pebble was there!  I got more blood work.  The Dr. called me that same day.    My hcg levels were not doubling like they should.  He said to wait 2 days and come back.  I did, the levels were continuing to go down.  I was miscarrying.  

The Pebble wasn’t staying. Pebble was leaving.  I was only 6 weeks along so I would just have to wait for it to be over.  I had been emotional from the hormones, to begin with, so the chances of me handling this well were slim.  

I cried.  I was pissed.  The anger was unrelenting.  I cried.  I felt broken and not whole.  I cried. I could not get pregnant like most women do. Then I could not stay pregnant.   I was angry and tired and frustrated.

I stopped crying.  I looked at First Born and said, ‘I must focus on him.  I am Momma. I don’t have a choice.  I did a beautiful thing in making him and I needed to cherish that.’ The Hub and I decided we would continue to try to get pregnant.  

7 days later. BAM.  Literally, BIG BAM. I was t-boned by a Jeep Grand Cherokee.  I was driving my old Nissan Sentra.   

I don’t remember the accident.  I do remember parts of the helicopter ride.  I do remember screaming for my First Born who was, thankfully, not in the car at the time of the accident.  I do remember the pain.  The white hot pain.  

The accident broke my collar bone, pelvic bone, pubic bone, 2 vertebra and gave me a concussion.  I also remember having the Trauma Dr.  yell as they were bringing me to get a cat scan and xrays.  He stopped the gurney and said.  “The blood work says you are pregnant.” My hope sparked for only an instant before I realized that it was not warranted. I had already been bleeding for 6 days, I knew the Pebble was gone.

I felt Pebble leave me 4 days prior. I explained that I had miscarried and had been bleeding and still was.  The Dr. said he had to call my fertility Dr. to verify.   Anger.  My word was not good enough?  Fuck You Doc.  When was the last time you miscarried?  Oh wait, you can’t, you have a dick.  Why don’t you call my other Doc who also has a dick so you two dicks can confirm what is happening inside my uterus?  No hurry I am only broken apart and possibly bleeding internally, but please, cover your ass.  (some of my anger is still there)

I healed.  It was difficult to say the least.  First Born was only two and a half.  I still rocked him to sleep every night. He was away from me for the first time for the week I spent in the Trauma Unit.  He was not able to see me.   I was devastated.  

I did not have time to wallow in self pity, I needed to get my life back.  My beautiful, wonderful, blissful life with First Born and The Hub.  I worked hard.  I healed.  We took a year off from trying to conceive.  

If I had not miscarried, my broken bones would not have been able to carry the pregnancy.  If I had not miscarried, I probably would have from the impact. 

Little One did not make his presence known until 2 years later.  He stayed.  He did not leave.  It was another hard fought battle of 9.5 weeks on hospitalized bed rest to keep him in my belly then another 18 days in the NICU to keep him healthy.  But he is here and I was blessed again.    

I can not have more children of my own.  It makes me sad at times.  I always wanted a lot of children.  If I could get pregnant and carry babies I would have had 2 more.  But it was not meant to be.  I adore my boys.  I am so very, very thankful -  thankful is not enough of a word for what I am - I am enveloped in humbleness by my children.  My love for them is stronger than all the forces of nature.  My blessings are not measurable.  My children are my greatest contribution to this world.  

At times I think about what Pebble would have been.  I think maybe Pebble was my girl.  Then I think, if I had the Pebble, maybe I would not have had Little One.   Pebble came and left for a reason.  A reason, I may never know, but a reason none the less.  

Today is October 15th,  Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.   This is dedicated to all the little Pebble’s who left. No matter how short of a time you were with us, you have impacted our lives.  Momma loves you, thank you.  

It's A Major Award!

You like me, you really, really like me!  At least Charity Gaspar from http://www.lifeaftermykids.com/ does!  She nominated me for a Liebster Award!  I am psyched, because it gives me a blog topic and I have never been nominated for anything!   THANK you so very much Charity!  

So when you get a Liebster Award there are some rules.  You have to give 11 random facts about yourself.  You have to answer 11 questions, posed by the person who nominated you. (In my case by Charity Gaspar at http://www.lifeaftermykids.com/)  and you have to nominate 11 of your favorite bloggers then ask them 11 questions.  Capisci?   Here we go.

11 Random Facts

1. I am 4’11and 3/4”
2. I can never decide what my favorite color is.
3. I can put my left leg behind my head.
4. I was a gymnast for 13 years.
5. I want to be an actress someday.
6. I love to swing (on a swing set.... not in the sex way.... not that there is anything wrong with that.... I mean if that is what you are into..... Personally I couldn’t be bothered with all that.... I can barely satisfy myself and The Hub, let alone others....It kinda skeeves me to think about others.... I don’t mean that in a bad way..... Ok.) 
7. I believe in spirits/ghosts/communication from beyond.
8. I love to read.
9. I climbed a 350ft rock.
10. I love 70s Funk
11. I once worked for a Dr. named Dr. Ruth.  I used to snicker every time I answered the phone and said, “Dr. Ruth’s office, How may I help you?”

Here are the 11 Questions posed by Charity of www.lifeaftermykids.com 

1. Favorite way to relax?   Reading, yoga, sleeping in my car....
2. What would you do with a million dollars? I would set up my kids with education and savings, pay off my house, pay off friends/family members houses. I would give a bunch to ModestNeeds.org, women’s shelters, to help victims of childhood abuse. I would get my basement finished also add on a porch and 3 season room.  I would buy a place near my brother in Hawaii and a place in Italy, Oh and a place in Ocean City NJ.  
3. Movies, Books or TV? yes in the order of Books, Movies then TV
4. What is your favorite movie, book or tv show (related to above answer)? Books: there are just too many, but the ones that stand out, are Beloved - Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon - Toni Morrison, The Color Purple - Alice Walker, Memnoch the Devil - Anne Rice, The Vampire Lestat - Anne Rice, The Witching Hour series - Anne Rice, The Other Bolyn Girl - Phillipa Gregory, What Looks Like Crazy on an Ordinary Day - Pearl Cleage, Mary, Called Magdalene - Margaret George, Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte, The Handmaid’s Tail - Margaret Attwood..... OK there are just too many.... I like to read.
   Movies:  I can’t even BEGIN, because I like movies too.... So I will give you one, Young Frankenstein.
   TV: Arrested Development, Mad Men, Modern Family, 30 Rock.
5. What would your super-power be? Time Travel
6. Favorite song/artist? NO way, the list is just too enormous.  I love music, although I have not really gotten into Country or BlueGrass. Other than that the list is endless.  
7. What was your favorite book as a child? Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret? - Judy Blume
8. What are you reading right now? Game of Thrones, (second book)
9. What song were you listening to last? My Sharona - The Knack
10. Where is your computer right now? on my lap
11. Where do you get your ideas for your posts? My life and current events pertaining to my life

And here are the 11 Nominee’s

1. http://4godssakeboys.com/  My Four Boys 
2. http://ilovemykidsgofigure.blogspot.com/ I Love My Kids, Go Figure
3. http://amydenby.wordpress.com/ Crazy Life, SImply Explained: Dear Babies
4. http://www.momaical.com/ Momaical
5. http://www.angrivated.com/ Angrivated (by The Hubs of PIWTPITT Fame)
6. http://www.peopleiwanttopunchinthethroat.com/ People I Want To Punch In The Throat.
7. http://mommysdownsizing.blogspot.com/ Mommy’s Downsizing                                                                  ...The next 4 are ones that I enjoy reading, however are more on the serious side and not everyone’s cup of tea. I can’t see any of them doing the followup to this Leibster Award, but they deserve a shout-out, none the less.  
8. http://bilgrimage.blogspot.com/ Bilgrimage
9. http://enlightenedcatholicism-colkoch.blogspot.com/ Enlightened Catholicism
10. http://the21stcenturyamericancatholic.blogspot.com/ The 21st Century American Catholic
11. http://catholics4change.com/  Catholics 4 Change

Finally here are my 11 Questions for the Nominee’s

1. What color are your eyes?
2. At what age did you first ride a 2 wheeler?
3. What is your favorite song to dance to?
4. What time is it, right now?
5. What book(s) are you currently reading?     ................(Yes, these next ones are  from Inside the Actors Studio and Bernard Piviot)
6. What is your favorite curse word? 
7. What sound or noise do you love?
8. What sound or noise to you hate?
9. What turns you on?
10. What is your favorite word?
11. If you believe in God, what would you want God to say to you when you arrive in Heaven? 

So there you have it.  I won my first award and I have passed it on.  Enjoy and read those blogs I mention above.  I would also like to mention a couple of other blogs that are amazing but are on a bit of a hiatus right now, 

http://debmoblog.com/

http://onehundredaweek.wordpress.com/

http://richwomansfam.blogspot.com/

http://therealbroads.blogspot.com/

It's What's For Dinner!

Why is he such an idiot?  I mean he is a friggin engineer!  AN ENGINEER!  Super smart, and he can’t engineer a dinner?  Every time he makes dinner - and it happens possibly once every 2 months - he can’t seem to do it by himself.  Every. Time.  First, it starts with this great announcement.  “I got dinner, hun!”  Then the banging starts.  The banging of pots, pans and slamming of food onto the counter.  Mind you, he has no idea what food we have or what he is making.  But the noise starts.  Then comes the curses and the proclamations of “Why don’t we have______ ?” (insert any inane ingredient)   and “Where is the ______?”  (insert ANY kitchen object) and comments like “When are you going back to the Giant?”  I refuse to answer .... now.  After almost 12 years of marriage I have figured out that it is easier on all of us if I ignore these questions.  Then he finally figures out what he is cooking and says..... again...... “I am cooking dinner.”  This is where I go upstairs to “go to the bathroom.”  Because I cook every meal, all the time, with one or both kids and a dog up my ass, I don’t feel guilty about this. 

When he has some inkling of what he has to cook, it usually requires the grill.  NO, not a gas grill, he refuses to use a gas grill.  We don’t even own one.  He insists it is because he is a Barbecue purist.  I think that is part of it, but the other part is he is also paranoid and convinced that the gas grill will blow up - one way or another.  

His timing is all wrong.  He starts to actually make dinner at the time we should already be eating dinner.  Most of us who cook dinner on a regular basis, know that no matter if you are doing Rachel Ray’s 15 Minute Meals or if you are making a gourmet meal, you have to budget at LEAST an hour, start to finish.  NO meal takes 15 minutes, unless you are ALONE in a perfectly equipped kitchen, with EVERYTHING clean and ALL ingredients prepped ahead of time.   I wanna see Rach, make a meal with someone throwing a fit about his math homework and another coming out of the bathroom with his ass high in the air, yelling at her to wipe him. Yummo!  But I digress.  Where where we?  Oh yes, The Hub, cooking dinner.  

He starts at 5:30, and since he is going outside, the kids want to help him.  Inevitably, I have to come back downstairs from “going to the bathroom.” This is where The Hub sends First Born in with a request.... “Ma, I need more hamburgers.”  “Mom, where are the buns.”  “Mom, do we have hot dogs?”  Meanwhile, we have no buns, there were only 2 turkey burgers in the freezer and we have 3 hot dogs left, again with no buns.  The requests keep on coming, from tin foil to a spatula to a plate.  The table still has crayons and play-doh on it, intermixed with three days of the Philadelphia Inquirer, that neither of us has had a chance to read.  

Flashback.......... remembering Sunday morning,1999..... 9am.....laying in bed with The Hub before he was The Hub, when he was just Dude......  He gets up, makes me scrapple, eggs, bagels, a pot of coffee......serves me breakfast in bed.... we share the newspaper.....fill our bellies, then fall back to sleep for a little cat nap before getting up.   Ahhh, I miss being wooed.

Ok back to reality, messy kitchen table, not enough food and everyone is hungry and irritated.  The Hub cooks 3 hot dogs 2 burgers and a pan of frozen french fries on the grill.  He walks in the house with the boys.  He puts a cookie sheet with said food on the counter and says.  “OK, dinner is ready. Boys go sit down.  I am going to go cook my hot wings and sausage now.”  Exit The Hub.  

He leaves me with hungry, arguing boys, a cookie sheet of meet and french fries and the table a mess.  This is dinner?  I get heckled when I make a meal that does not include hot rolls along with the meat, starch, and veggies!  I have to explain that the butternut squash, parsley couscous is both a veggie and starch combined, so NO I am not missing a side!   What the fuck!  OK I need to simmer down.  

I make the best of the “meal” for the boys.  I cut the hot dogs up in to little pieces and stuck toothpicks in them.  The boys love poking things with pointy objects.  The burgers were put on english muffins, that I had to thaw in the microwave and toast, since they were in the freezer.  The boys loved the fries.  I added yogurt and an apple and called it a day. 

When the boys are about finished, The Hub comes in with his wings and hot sausage and sits down to eat.  I look at my clan, look at my kitchen with every conceivable pot, pan and utensil sitting out somewhere it does not belong.  Tin foil still out by the grill and I realized that the dog did not eat.  So I get up and feed the dog so she will stop begging at the table.   “Hey Mom, can I have some more milk?” I swear First Born would drink a gallon a day if I let him.  “Hey Mommy, Daddy, First Borny,  Look, look I made a hotdog telescope.”    Little One has 3 toothpicks set up like a tripod with a piece of hot dog on the top. We all giggle with him.  He really cracks us up.  Spurred on by this, he makes mini barbells and other strange, toothpick, hotdog objects.  We are all laughing now at his silliness.  I love this kid.  

Then my stomach grumbles.  ((big sigh)) I did not eat yet and there is nothing left.  MoFo's!!! But Little One has me laughing too hard to be mad.  Smiling I walk over to the microwave and nuke the leftover butternut squash, parsley couscous.  That shit is good! It’s what’s for dinner!