What I did today!

Here is a stream of consciousness, non-punctuated, rambling list of my day, yesterday.  I laughed when I re-read it and hope you will too.  If you are wondering what I am doing today, please read the blog again.  If you wonder what I am doing tomorrow, please read the blog again.

What did I do today?  Watercolored, wiped the same nose about 100 times, wiped the attached butt about 40 times, watched approximately 15 mins of each of the following: Whinnie the Pooh, Tangled, Garbage trucks, Thomas and Whinnie the Pooh and Tangled again.  Made breakfast, fed breakfast, partially cleaned up breakfast, made lunch, fed lunch, partially cleaned up lunch.  Gave medicine, tried to give a nap, gave up and turned Thomas back on. Re-washed a load of laundry that was left in the washer from last night, checked facebook, checked e-mail, checked my calendar, canceled appts and tasks that were overlapping, tried to reschedule said tasks, played trains, lincoln logs, tried to clean up play room while my 3 yr. old sat on my back like a cowboy, laughing and saying giddy-up mommy!  let the dog out, let the dog in, repeating this process about 15 times throughout the day, broke up cat and dog fights, stared at two baskets of laundry that have needed to be folded for 3 days, asked my 3 yr. old to pick up his blocks that he put in the living room so the dog won’t eat them, while he half heartedly picked up a few blocks I asked him to get the red one that went under the couch, he handed me the blue one, I then stopped cleaning up the blocks and started playing a color game with my son, fearing he is color blind, or maybe I just don’t spend enough time teaching colors, then put that in my mental file for a later google, laughed at his explanation as to why red is blue and blue is yellow, called my grandmother, made to feel guilty by said grandmother, called my mother, made to feel inadequate by said mother (no fault of her’s it is all in my crazy head)  called my mother-in-law and well, just hung up confused, thought about how disorganized I am, wondered where that comes from, realized that it was time to get my 8 yr. old from the bus, took the dog for a walk, borrowed peas from a nice neighbor so I could make tuna casserole, made tuna casserole for the hub and I and made turkey burgers and sweet potato fries for the kids, all the while breaking up arguments between aforementioned kids, broke up fights between the dog and cat, fed dog and cat while simultaneously continuing to clean up breakfast and lunch, ate dinner with the boys, talked to hub on the phone who said he would be home late.... again, tried to convince my boys that sweet potato fries were just as good as regular fries, 8 yr. old was still hungry so I made him some left over mac and cheese, cleared the table and started homework with my 8 yr. old while my 3 yr. old ran around the living room with the dog, both riling up each other to the point were I KNEW someone will get hurt, tied to keep the 8 yr. old on track with his homework, while he whined and complained, got the kids jammies on hub came home and all hell breaks loose as the dog, cat, and boys ran to him like he was the second coming of Christ, he was equally as excited to see them and they proceeded to wrestle and jump around like lunatics as each was vying for daddy’s attention and getting jealous of any attention paid to the other,  hub then carried both up the stairs, got their teeth brushed and put them into bed, I then went up and finished the process by reading books with each while the hub almost falls into bed himself, I kiss all three of them and came back downstairs to the dinner mess, the living room and play room looked like a bomb went off, started cleaning up, as I answer a few calls from upstairs, (no not a call from God but from my little gods, demanding my homage and obedience if I want them to sleep), put the food away, took the dog out, wrote this blog, now I am off to bed it is 10:45pm and the house will have to stay this way...... DAMN IT, I left that load of laundry in the washer AGAIN and I never googled color blindness!

Back to the Catholic Guilt.

He said he wants his First Holy Communion!  What? I am struggling with our decision to.... I don’t even know!  I am not even sure what the decision was.  We are not going to church anymore, and I did not sign up my son for CCD this year.  If you need more of a backstory, go to my very first post on this blog. (http://mommas-musings-by-momma.blogspot.com/2011/05/lets-start-with-something-heavy-and.html)  I still consider myself Catholic, only because that was how I was brought up and it still remains within me somewhere.  But I felt like a hypocrite going to church and not really believing in the Church anymore.  I want to instill a strong faith in our sons, but really have a tough time with some of the teachings of my childhood church.  And not just the remote controversial teachings, but the fundamental teachings of Transubstantiation, Reconciliation, and the church hierarchy. Not to mention the Church’s views on married priests, female priests, and homosexuality. Not to further mention it’s horrible handling of abusive priests and political moves it is making against legislation that will help victims of childhood sexual abuse.  

Please understand, I don’t in any way think that those that attend Catholic church and are devout to it’s teachings are bad, misguided or even wrong.  I commend them for finding that which has eluded me.  I am happy that they feel at peace and in harmony within the Church.  I wish that for everyone.  Personally, I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go to church out of some fear that if I don’t, I will go to hell.  That if I don’t attend church and be an active member of the church community I am bad person.  Honestly, I just want to live my life and be good to others and raise my boys to be loving and caring adults.  

So back to my dilemma, my son wanting his First Holy Communion.  I asked him why and he said so that he can get the bread when we go to church.  I told him that we really don’t go to church and he said “but for when we do, I want to be able to go up and get the bread!”  Then I started thinking, why can’t he just go up and get the bread.  No one will stop him.   Instantly I thought, ‘But that is against the rules of our Church. It is sacrilegious, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to those that keep the Church’s teachings.’  Then think through the fact that my husband and I both got our First Holy Communions and it was a wonderful right of passage; a beautiful ceremony that brought us more fully into the fold of the Church.  But do I want my children in the fold of this Church?  It does not seem like the same Church I grew up with.   

My first and foremost thought is the health and happiness of my children, physically, mentally and spiritually.  How am I to know what their spiritual needs are?  I am not completely sure what mine are. There are certain things that I feel in my gut and know to be right.  I believe Jesus wants us to show love, tolerance and inclusion.  I think He was trying to tell us that we must find God within ourselves and those around us. By loving others we will find peace and happiness.  It seems that at the base some Catholic organizations, this is true.  I look at the wonderful work that Catholic Charities does for the poor, (without trying to convert.)  I look to Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity and the Human Rights work the Franciscans do.  But when I see that Monsignor Lynn, who was arrested for protecting sexually abusive priests then suspended from ministry was APPLAUDED at an invitation-only dinner for Archbishop Chaput, who pointed out how difficult the ordeal has been on Msgr. Lynn.  My blood boils.  (http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/20111004_Suspended_monsignor_draws_support_from_Chaput.html) Msgr Lynn was arrested for shuffling pedophile priests and teachers around (Not alleged pedophiles but convicted abusers) and for covering it up. He was applauded!  Why is he not hanging his head in shame, even if he did not do what he was arrested for doing?  Wouldn’t you feel awful that your direct reports were abusing children on the job and you did not know about it? Wouldn’t you be doing all you can to help the victims and their families?  Not sitting at some exclusive dinner accepting applause!  

I have had this conversation with friends who feel the same way and are sending their children to Catholic school or to CCD, because they still believe in the sacraments.  I completely respect that.  I just don’t know what to do about my son now wanting his First Holy Communion.  My husband and I have not had a chance to revisit this subject since my son just asked this yesterday.  I am confused and conflicted. I had a long conversation with my son about Jesus and God and how we can commune with them anytime, not just at church.  I talked to him about how much he is loved not only by us but by God.  I explained how special and unique he is and to honor that by being a kind and loving person.  He had some insightful things to say like how all our ancestors were the stars in the sky and they were angels looking down on us.  He also told me that when you go to Heaven you can be whatever age you want at anytime explaining that Poppy-Pop (his great-grandfather who passed away last year at the age of 92,) can be 16 or 8 or 49 depending on his mood.  He also asked, why we don’t go to church anymore.  I was honest with him and told him that I did not have a really great reason.  I told him that it was stressful to go to church and we did not seem to like it too much anymore.  But just because we did not go, did not mean that church was not good.  It just meant that it is not what we are doing it right now.  It is all so confusing and frustrating.  I guess the question still remains - will I let him get his First Holy Communion and how do I get him into CCD now that the year has already started? More importantly do I want to?

Cord of Money

Ah, my husband.  He is a wonderful man and great father.  I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh daily.  With that being said, at times, he can be an enigma.  Many of my fellow wives out there may be able to relate.  Whether your particular husband has an obsession with fantasy football/baseball, or likes to play with his adult toys like video games or four wheelers, or if he is a fanatic about his yard, in any case, it can be confusing and overwhelming to the wife.  

My husband has a few idiosyncrasies, but one that seems to be a little different is his obsession with building fires.  No he is not a crazy pyromaniac.  He simply likes to build controlled fires either in our fire pit or in an old Weber grill.  The other day he frantically runs to me and asks for $150.00.  Like a child who just heard the bell of the ice cream truck, holding out his hand as if I had $150.00 in my pocket.  He “needed” this for “a great deal.”  

I am in charge of the bills and finances.  I make his paycheck stretch to within an inch of its life every two weeks.  Normally I would be bringing home extra money this time of year by watching other peoples’ kids.  Unfortunately there are no kids to watch (besides my own) this year. So things are pretty tight and I really have to rein in all spending.  I knew that when he asked me to take out $150.00 we only had about $200.00 in the checking account and that had to last us for another 5 days.  So my initial reaction to his request was “no!”  What did we need for $150.00?   He proceeds to tell me that he was talking to this guy who he saw on Rt 202, who had a cord of wood that he would drop at our house for only $150.  First off, who just finds a guy on Rt 202 on his way home from work, second, we don’t have the extra money to spend on all that wood, third, who needs all that wood?  Ok that is a very good deal for a cord of Ash, however, it is a LOT of wood.  We don’t have a real fireplace, nor do we have a wood burning stove (well we do, but it does not work and is sitting in my husband’s shed for a future “project” so that he can heat his shed and go out there and play in the winter.  Can you hear me rolling my eyes?)  

We don’t NEED wood to keep our family warm, we have propane heat that we spend a lot of money on.  This wood is specifically for him to play with in the back yard.  Yes, I admit, I do enjoy sitting out by the fire on a cool fall night with a beer and good conversation.  BUT I NEVER GET TO DO THAT!!!! I am too busy yelling at our boys not to run near the fire pit, not to throw anything into the fire, watching out for the large culmination of neighbor’s children who come over at the sight of the flames, bringing said children in to go to the bathroom, get a bandaid, check what time it is, etc.  Then it is finally time for my youngest to go to bed. At which time I have to take care of the entire bedtime routine by myself, because someone needs to be out by the fire.  By that time, I am beat and not going to leave my child in the house by himself so I can go and sit by the fire.  I then have to contend with getting my older one to go to bed and his pleas for being able to stay out by the fire with daddy and as his whining as he gets more tired.  See what I am saying?  

Meanwhile my hubby is sitting in his adirondack chair, sipping his Octoberfest and smiling and relaxing.  Not like he does not deserve it. It is not something he gets to do, hardly ever. It is actually a wonderful sight to see.  He works really really hard all week and lately his work has been less than fulfilling.  He is a stand up guy and does not compromise himself. He does not get enough appreciation for that.   He is an amazing provider and my best friend.  He very rarely lets himself just relax, and sit.   So if he wants to burn a cord of wood and enjoy some evenings in the back yard, $150.00 is really not that bad a deal.  Besides it makes up for the boots I just bought myself!