My Bad Ass Kids

They are rude, disruptive, selfish, inconsiderate and think of no one but themselves.  They are unappreciative.  They don’t care if you are tired and want to sleep.  They don’t care if you are sick and need to rest.  They don’t care if you are hungry and need to eat.  It is all about them and what they want and when they want it.  It is exhausting, its the part of parenting that I really hate. My children, the loves of my life, who make me happy beyond words can really be a pain in the ass.  

What is it about 6:20am that is so friggin appealing to my 7 yr. old?  Why in the name of all that is holy, does he insist on waking up at this time.  Not only waking up but waking up anyone who is in the house.  I guess I wouldn’t be all that infuriated if we were home by ourselves, and it was only affecting me.  However we are on vacation, staying with my parents in the house that they very graciously rented.  We are staying here for free.  We are in paradise, enjoying the wonder and beauty of Hawaii and these little brats go on like nothing has changed.   There should be no whining or complaining.  I know, what am I doing?  Complaining, and these are my kids whom I created. But this is my blog.  

Can no consideration be paid to ANY one?  I must be doing something wrong.  They are so rude and unappreciative that this must be my punishment for not effectively teaching my children properly.  When the 7 yr. old is throwing a fit because things are not going exactly as he wants them to, I tell him he has to start being thankful and appreciative.  The answer he gives me... “for what?”  FOR WHAT!?  For the fact that I am not beating you right now, for your every breath of which I have afforded you, for this beautiful vacation, for not belittling you, for allowing you to voice your opinion, for letting you enjoy a structured and balanced life!   OH I could go on, but it does no good.  He really doesn’t understand.  When he is calm and I talk to him about the feelings of others, and how he can treat others like he wants to be treated, he seems to get it.  But when he is tired, hungry, tired and hungry, frustrated or not feeling well, there is no getting through.  But there I go, making excuses.  Tired, hungry, he has to learn to deal with life in these situations, doesn’t he?  My 3 yr. old is almost as bad, but he is only 3.  Again, is that an excuse? See I get tired just thinking about it. 

Here is an example.  Not even a great example.  Just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  We are at a museum today, and they gave out free coloring books.  Somehow the 3 yr. old’s coloring book was left at the museum.  I noticed it an hour later when we were already on to another adventure.  I said nothing and hoped that he would not notice.  As we are getting into the car the 7 year old inquires as to where the 3 yr. old’s book is.  I try to quiet him, but he continues even louder so that the 3 yr. old gets wind of it.  Now we are having a meltdown.  I try to temper my anger, by reminding myself that he was just looking out for his little brother and may not have understood that I wanted him to keep his mouth shut.  After everyone is settled and it is forgotten about the 7 yr. old, goes on to tell us that he wanted to know about his little brother’s book because he did not want to share his.  OMFG  It was forgotten about.  Now the 3 yr. old is reminded of the fact not only does he not have his own book, but that his selfish older brother doesn’t want to share his!  Another meltdown ensues.  Here is where I really want to impose a good old 1970s style whoop ass.  A pull the car over, yank em out of the back seat, take off the belt and beat some ass.  OK, I recovered, no need to call Child Protective Services,  this did not happen.  Instead, I turn around give “the look” and definitively yell “That. Is. Enough.”  Honestly, I don’t even know what that means, but it seems to work more than not, so I use it when I can.  

So those are my bad ass kids.  I really love them and I am forever trying to set a structure and boundaries.  I want to raise happy AND respectful children.  Really, I do.   It is difficult at times.  Just when I have had enough, I then listen in on them as they share the bedroom on our vacation.  The little one says “I scared”  the big one says, “will it make you feel better if I sleep next to you?”  Little one says “Yes, Thank You.”  It is quiet for a minute and the little one says “You are my best buddy, I love you”  the big one says “ I love you too.”  ((sigh)) I have wonderful and amazing children.  All is right with the world. 

To my Brother and his new Wife

I have been to many weddings in my life.  The first one I remember was my Uncle Bill’s.  I was about 4 or 5 years old and I wore a brown velvet dress.  I remember being very excited and dancing, trying to be the center of attention; my pop-pop egging me on.  The next one was around the same time.  My cousin, who was a year older, was supposed to be the flower girl.  She was too scared and they asked me to step in.  I walked up the isle with pride, ordering the ring bearer to slow down throughout the procession. 

I write all this, from Hawaii, where my younger brother lives.  We just attended his wedding to his beautiful bride and I couldn’t be happier for them.  Hawaii, is one of the most magical places in the world.  Certainly the most magical place I have ever been to.  Marriage requires a little bit of magic along with the love and the work. I have been to so many weddings throughout my life. All were joyous and fun occasions in their own right.  Some of the marriages lasted some did not.  But the actual weddings are all so full of promise and an innocent naiveté of what it takes for a marriage to work.  

When my husband and I got married 10 years ago, we had already lived together for about 3 years.  We had already worked out some of the minor kinks that most newlyweds go through in the first years of marriage.  You know, do we wait to pay bills until the last minute or pay ahead of time, do we sleep on the left or the right side of the bed and do these positions remain or can they be switched, who cooks/cleans up meals, how do we divi up household chores, what religion if any are we, do we practice our religion, how much alone time do each of us need.  Each marriage works these things out in their own way (or they don’t.)  

The thing that changes after the wedding vows are spoken and we have recovered from our wedding hangover is something more ethereal.  You realize you are a part of something larger, something your own but part of a multicultural, multinational, institution.  What makes your union so special to last the test of time?  The answer is and isn’t: Love.  Love has to be the base, the cornerstone and the core.  The rest is a lot of hard work, mostly on yourself.  You have to start figuring out who you are and why you are the way you are, in relation to your spouse. You have to be patient with your spouse while they figure this out for themselves.  You then have to form who the two of you are now, together. Learning what it means to be a spouse, give and take, push and pull, yin and yang.... all these cliche’s are out there.  The bottom line is you have to give each other and yourself a break.  It is not going to be all seamless and effortless.  That is not how lasting relationships work.  Be patient and sincerely care for the other like you want to be cared for.  Some days it comes back 10 fold some days not at all and that is ok.  As long as there is reciprocation at some point. The only thing that is effortless and continual is your love for one another.  My little brother and his new bride are just beginning this journey.  Although it is work and there is effort involved, it is the most rewarding and fun work you will ever do. Each marriage is as unique as the people in them and it can be the one thing in your life that is truly your own.  So, to my brother and his new wife, Mazel tov, Mabuhay, Salute, Sláinte, Jambo, Okole maluna! 

Thrifty Rubicon

Where to begin? I am writing this post in paradise. I couldn’t be luckier and I am thankful beyond words for the fact that I am on vacation with my family in Hawaii.  My brother lives here and is getting married. My very generous parents have provided us a place to stay with them.  The only things we had to pay for were the flights, rental car and we will try to buy all the groceries, although my parents will protest.  Even with all the help it is a lot of money just to fly here from the east coast.  That being said, I need to file a complaint about “Thrifty” Rental car company.  They take full advantage of overtired and overworked husbands who need ego boosts.  

The planning process for this trip started almost a year ago, with a budget and penny pinching. Since I don’t get paid for any job that I do, and my husband is the sole provider of money in our household, I feel responsible for making sure that every cent counts and gets stretched as far as possible.  In February I started scouring the internet for flights rental cars and a short hotel stay between the two 6 hour flights needed to get us to Hawaii.  I had a vision of spending the least amount of money while still maintaining our sanity.  Mission Accomplished!  I got amazing prices on direct flights.  The hotel not only included free breakfast, but FREE dinner!  I had more of a difficult time finding a car rental for 18 days that did not send us into a downward spiral into debt.  But finally after many late night internet searches and a couple of phone calls, I got it.  A full size vehicle, WITH tax for 18 days for a grand total of.....wait for it..... $537!  Now that is still a LOT of money, but I defy any of you to find a cheaper price.  Go head, I dare ya!   

Things were going smoothly.  My husband was duly impressed with our flights and accommodations. My masterly organized, systematic packing system allowed us to check only 4 duffle bags for a family of four.   Then we get to Hawaii.  It is paradise, such a feeling of calm comes over you when you step off the plane.   Next, “Thrifty”  Car Rental. I put the title in quotes only because it truly is thrifty only if you have a mind to make it so.  There was a very long line as everyone who was on incoming flights to Honolulu, must have bargained a similar deal to mine.  Since the deal that I penned on-line listed my husband as the primary driver, I situate myself, the kids and our bags in a secure location and arm my husband with the paperwork.  This is my fatal flaw.  I send my wonderful, tired husband into the long line of the car rental dealership.  Now all he had to do was hand them the paperwork, get our full sized vehicle and get us in the car.  I wait with the kids patiently.  They are bored but still excited from the flight.  They keep asking “Mommy do you think we will get a truck/a convertible/ a motorcycle with a side car?”  I tell them “No honey, things like that cost extra.  We are just getting a regular car.”  While we were waiting, and my husband was in line, I was watching all the cars that were being pulled around for the customers.  I saw quite a few Jeep Rubicon’s.  This is one of the hubby’s dream cars.  Something he dreams of driving with a mountain bike, fishing rod and kayak in the back, four wheeling to a remote destination where he is the most interesting man in the universe.  

My dear husband comes out of the office raising his hands in the air with the rock horns You know, index finger and pinky in the air with the middle and ring fingers being held down with the thumb only one word is spoken “RUUUBICOOONNNN!”  At first I thought ‘Wow he negotiated an upgrade on my deal. NICE!’  Then he says “So, how much were we supposed to spend on the rental?”  WHAT???  Did he just say this to me?  I look at him dismayed, and bewildered.  I mean I gave him all the paperwork.  All he had to do was hand it over, sign the paper and be on his merry way!  He is an engineer for chrissakes.  He negotiates multi million dollar deals for his company.  All he had to do was hand over a paper.  Then I ask to see the paperwork.  He looks at me and says “Oh, she took it all.  We will get it back when she brings around the RUBICON”  He is positively giddy.  He tells me he thinks it was only $18 a day more?  MORE!!! Are you kidding me?  When he finally starts to realize that I am having a small conniption, he starts to look concerned.  Then I get the “What?”  Ladies who have husbands, you all know what this “what?” is.   It is the loaded question that says, ‘what did I do wrong now, and how can I make it look like you are overreacting or that it was ultimately your fault?’

We finally get the Rubicon that has 35000 miles on it. It is, let’s say, well used.  I am now given the task of securing the car seat in this metal contraption.  The base of the car seat hardly fits on the back seat of the car.  For all of you who have installed car seats, you know how difficult and frustrating it is.  For those of you who have not had this pleasure imagine trying to tighten a belt on pants that are 3 sizes too big, while not bunching up the material, or having the belt touch your skin.  Oh, and this belt and pants have to save your child’s life if there is an accident.  Once the seat is secure and I am done teaching my children new ‘bad’ words, we are off.  Oh wait, we have to pull over so my husband can learn all the features of his new ride and try to figure out how to adjust his side mirrors for 20 minutes.  (By the way, they are manual, you have to physically move them.)  The ride is not in any way comfortable. It is bouncy, rugged, and for people 20 years younger than us.  I see him try to hide his disappointment when he realizes this along with the fact that he has no arm rest.  This may not sound like a big deal but to ‘rugged man,’ it is. 

This is when I open the glove box and see the damage that was done to our credit card.  Honestly, I am not kidding when I say that it is more than double what I budgeted.  DOUBLE that which I negotiated originally.  I offer him one question, “this is a lot of money, really a lot of money, what were you thinking?”  He tells me that they said it was only $300 more for the upgrade (they never mention the extra $250 in taxes)  and they told him he had a really nice Hawaiian shirt on, for a mainlander.  Really?  That is all it took?  Some fast numbers and a stroke of the ego?  I try to remember that I love my husband and that he deserves to get a Jeep Rubicon, if he wants a stinkin’ Jeep Rubicon.  When I look over at him with fire in my eyes and I see his joy/frustration/fear at my reaction, I decide that I have to let this go.  He instantly says, “So I guess you are going to blog about this?”  Yes dear husband, yes I am. 

An Ode to Dads - from Momma

One thing that mothers get is a lot of recognition just for being mothers.  On this Father’s Day, I need to recognize the fathers.  Being a father today is not the same as it once was.  There is more nurturing, involvement and expressions of love than there ever was expected in the past.  Fathers today are more partners in parenting than they ever where before.  My husband is just as responsible as I am to make sure that our child is potty trained, has a good sleep schedule and has proper nutrition.   We combine forces to maintain a united front against whining, fighting, messy rooms, bad hygiene and the like.  

There are times he is seen as the fun loving, rough and tumble, “good guy.”  This is something we, as mothers have to allow and even encourage.  “Father-child interaction promotes a child’s physical well being, perceptual ability and competency for relating with others. These children also demonstrate greater ability to take initiative and evidence self-control.” - (http://firstthings.org/page/resource-center/fathers/the-importance-of-positive-male-role-models)  There are certain things that dads just do right.  The rough-housing, horse play that makes us mom’s cringe is so important in our children’s development.  “When fathers play with their toddlers, they are not just entertaining them. They are providing a safe, yet challenging arena for toddlers to learn how to interact with the world and with others. Through rough-and-tumble play, fathers create obstacles for their children and demand respect for limits and boundaries. At the same time, they challenge their children and encourage them to explore their own strength, their ability to do new things, and their impact on the world around them. Toddlers who must work out for themselves how to achieve goals-such as retrieving a ball that is just out of reach in their father's hand or wrestling their father to the ground-are practicing important problem-solving skills. In fact, when fathers are good at playing with their young children, these children score higher on tests of thinking and problem-solving skills.” - http://www.civitas.org.uk/hwu/fathers.php   

Fathers provide the love, stability and laughter that every family needs.  I am very lucky to have a husband who does all this and more.  He is the perfect role-model to our boys.  He provides goofy-ness and laughter with security and love like no other.  My own father provided me with the confidence and self-assurance that allowed me to become the woman I am.  He also showed me humor and kindness.  He is a constant example I look to.  Without his  presence, guidance and love, I would not be who I am today.  

So to all you fathers out there, Happy Father’s Day.  Thank you for being Dad!  

Salute’

MommaO

Penis Envy?

I  have 2 sons and a husband and they all have a penis.  I know this not only because it is common sense but because, they are always, referencing, grabbing, holding, pinching, scratching or observing it.  It seems as though it is an unconscious obsession that starts at the age of 3, sometimes earlier.  I remember when my older son was 3 or 4 He would get a bath and examine, pull and stretch his “pieces” within an inch of its life.  He would ask “Mama, do you have a “pieces?””  I would respond, “I don’t have a penis only boys and men have a penis.”  He would then go through a list of people and ask if they had a penis.  I would answer accordingly.  Then he asked, “Do boy choo-choos have a penis?”  When I would say I did not know, looking at me in horror he would say,  “But Mama, they HAVE to!”  It’s this concern and information gathering that always astounded me.  

Now my younger son, is also concerned and questioning.  He looks at it and laughs.  He stretches it up and asks it if it has any pee pees in it.  While we were in the pediatrician’s office for his yearly check, she was examining him and gave him a little flash light to play with. When he was completely naked, he instantly placed the flashlight between his legs and exclaimed “ Doctor, this is my penis! Right there, there it is!”  

I deal with this on a daily basis, so when a congressman, football player, preacher, or musician decide to tweet, e-mail or text a picture of their penis, I am not surprised.  As a matter of fact I am not even phased.  It is a little known fact that the penis is not that big of a deal to us women.  Don’t get me wrong.  There is a time and place where it is a very big deal.  But it is not in a tweet.  The comedian Kristin Schall on the Daily Show, said it best, (http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-june-7-2011/rash-of-penis-photos?xrs=share_copy) when she said “Men have to realize, their penis has FAR more power over them then it does over us.”  I have to say, not having one sometimes makes me wonder what its all about.  It’s a pretty ridiculous piece of flesh hanging there. I mean, our female parts, while being somewhat obvious really don’t hold that much self interest.  My only concern is that everything is covered.  With all the maintenance that goes into our parts, you would think that we would be taking pictures and putting up billboards.  But that is reserved for the very special bodies, not the every day ones.  

If I was a man with an average body and a penis that somewhat resembled every one else’s, I couldn’t imagine that a picture of my penis would do anything for anyone.    The penis texters are usually pretty powerful, high profile guys.  Not all are stupid, but all really think that someone is interested. Being that delusional is just sad, isn’t it? It turns out that the only ones interested are themselves.  Then, that interest sparks the downfall of their personal relationships.  It is pathetic in a way.  

As for my own sons, I won’t stifle their natural and cute fascination with their body (not that I could)!  But I hope I am able to teach my boys that they are special and wonderful. That they should respect their bodies and the bodies of others.  And that tweeting pictures of their body parts can only lead to trouble.  

Living the life of Riley

When I am having a bad day and I am frustrated, I think of Nana, who went through so much in her life and realize I don't have anything to complain about.  She was a strong woman who stood a whole 4'10" tall.  The first half of her life was not easy to say the least.  She often said that the second half made up for it. Nana had many sayings, "Good things come in small packages, even poison, sometimes its the quickest way to go," "Living the life of Riley," "two heads are better than one, even if mine is a cabbage head."  One thing that always made me laugh was when she would say, "Men need women, but women don't need men. We never have and we never will."


Nana was my great grandmother.  She was born in 1905 and she died 16 days after her 96th birthday.   Her stories and her legacy live on through all her decedents, that include 3 children, 8 grandchildren, 16 great grandchildren and 8 great great grandchildren.  I had the honor of knowing her, learning from her and enjoying her company until I was almost 29 yrs old.  I grew up listening to her horrific, terrifying and mesmerizing stories.  She never pulled any punches when telling stories of her life, therefore neither will I.   Nana was the 2nd daughter of Italian immigrants.  Her early childhood was traumatic at best and I will tell that story at another time.  At the age of 18 Nana was matched with her husband. This was arranged by her father.  She always referred to her husband as "the Devil." I honestly did not know his name for years. When I was little, I seriously thought that he was the actual Devil, in human form and worried that I was a decedent.  I mean I was raised Catholic so my guilt meter was already set pretty high.  Nana, who was also Catholic, was married in a Catholic Church and said that she did not understand a word of the ceremony. She always said  "I did not say yes, no, I don't know, maybe, or nothin'.  I don't even know if the marriage was official."


She lived in New York and went to Chester, Pa to meet her fiance.  He was very handsome, with blond hair and light eyes.  "his family must have had some northern Italy in them," she would say.   She went on the visit dressed nice and wore her hair down.  It was long, wavy and auburn.  She sat in silence while the families talked.  The next month, he and his mother made a surprise visit to her home in Brooklyn.  It was a Saturday, she was cleaning and had her hair pulled up in a kerchief.  She heard a knock at the door and hastily ran to answer it.  When she opened the door, and saw her future husband and mother-in-law, she was embarrassed and ran upstairs to change while they waited.  When she came back down.  He smiled and said "I see you still have your long hair.  That is good. If you had cut your hair I would have killed you!"  She smiled but realized later that he was not joking.


Their marriage was not a happy one.  He was verbally and physically abusive.  He would not let her leave the house without him.  When he would go out with her he would make her walk ahead of him.  If another man looked at her he would beat her when they got home.  He was a brick layer and one of the best around.  He made good money but she never saw it.  She gave birth to all three of her children alone in the house.  She would send for the doctor and by the time he would get there the baby would be born and she would clean up and make him something to eat.  Her babies were her joy.  She adored them.   She was alone with her children most of the time.   They were very poor and she would steal when she had to, in order to get food for them.  There were people who knew of her situation and would sometimes drop off food.  There were a group of firemen who would collect pastries and doughnuts and bring them to her and the children.  They lived in a home with no heat, no running water and no electricity.  She had a well out back for water.  She told of many a winter when she had to chop the ice on top of the well and melt it to get water.  On very cold nights she would take bricks and put them in the fireplace in the fire to get them very hot.  Then she would wrap the bricks in towels and put them in the foot of the bed, that she shared with her three young children.  This would make sure their feet did not freeze in the night.

Her husband would be gone for days sometimes weeks at a time.  When he would come home, it was rarely a happy reunion.  He had many mistresses.  One in particular she even remembered her name.  (I wish I could, I think it was Margery)  Margery was a very pretty young girl.  She was in the local "tap room"  telling the firemen and the other patrons that she was engaged to Dominic.  They all said "who, Dominic? He is married with three kids and beats the hell out of his wife." They told her where Nana lived and said, "go see for yourself!"  Nana heard a knock at the door and this very pretty young woman asked her if she was married to Dominic. She said yes and invited her in. They talked for quite some time.  Margery showed Nana a jewelry box filled with jewelry that "the Devil" had given her.  This angered Nana more because they had so little.  She devised a plan.  She told Margery what time he was expected back that evening.  Nana asked Margery if she would come back to confront him.  When "the Devil" saw young Margery at the door, he was enraged calling her a whore and demanding to know why she was at his house.  Margery threw the jewelry box in his face and left.  Nana got breif satisfaction seeing his embarrassment and pain from the jewlrey box hitting him in the forehead.  She paid for that satisfaction with the worse beating of her life.  He had her in a corner and was punching her in the face and banging her head from one wall to the next.  He knocked out the teeth that she had left and she passed out.  When she woke up her oldest son and daughter were just getting home from the movies.  They found her on the floor.  Her son, who was about 15, rounded on his father and said, "If you put another hand on her I'll  kill ya!"  The Devil's response to his son was "Well you know it is time to leave when your kids are not afraid of you anymore."  And he left for good.  It was the happiest day of her life.  After enduring him for 18 years she was finally rid of him.  

She did find happiness later and married the great grandfather that I knew and loved.  (That is another story and a wonderful one at that.)  I tell this story for the same reason I believe she told her stories, just to put things into perspective. I think we all need a reminder at times that we don't have it so bad.  I have a loving husband who is an amazing father.  Yes, we get on each other's nerves at times, but it is really not that bad.  It's important to remember the good qualities of our spouse, even when they are showing us their bad ones. Our lives are what we make them.  Times are very different now.  If my husband started beating me, there would be no other choice but to leave.  But my point is, the majority of us don't have it so bad, but we make it bad. Nana had it bad, and was a victim for a long time, but she persevered.  Back then society was so much different that she could not pick up and leave. However, she eventually moved on and found happiness.  I have a great life and I thank my Nana every day for her strength and the lessons she taught.  

A message for the 20 somethings

My husband and I really have something sweet going here.  I am in a place I never thought I would be.  A happy suburban housewife, in a loving relationship with 2 beautiful kids and a dog on the way.  Who am I?  How did I get here? If you would have asked me in my 20s where I would be in almost 20 years, this is not what I had envisioned.

Honestly, looking back, my early 20s were not that great.  I was working two jobs, one office job during the day and a bar maid job at night.  I was going to community college 2 nights a week.  I had my own place but was an enabler in a bad relationship.  I was distant from my parents.  And I did not value myself or my time.  Of course, I did not know this then.  I was 22 years old and convinced I could change the people and places around me without changing myself.   I thought I was tough and independent, but I was just miserable.  I lied to myself and others about how I was right where I wanted to be.

Lately, I have been seeing this thing on facebook about skin cancer titled "Dear 16 yr old me" or something like that. It had me thinking. What would I say to my self when I was younger?  So listen up all you 20 somethings, here are 10 suggestions through lessons learned:

1. STOP, think about what YOU really want.  Do not take ANYONE else into consideration  for a minute, not your boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend, parents, grandparents.  What is stopping you from what you really want?  Whatever or whoever it is, remove them from your life.  Maybe not completely, but set them aside, break free from their control. Whether it is your parents and their financial support/control, your boyfriend/girlfriend and their dependent/co-dependent control or your friends and their social control.  Whomever is blocking your way from who you are, whether they mean to or not, needs to be bypassed.

2. Get therapy!  It really does help.  Even if it is just for someone unbiased to talk to.  Find out who you really are, what you really want and how to go about getting it.  Because, believe me you are never going to have as much energy as you will for the next 5 years.

3. Move away, anywhere.  Nothing will make you feel more confident than when you prove to yourself and others that you can make it (even if it is just for a year) all by yourself, out on your own.

4. Travel.  Meet new people, learn about different cultures, see new environments.  Yes, I know that traveling costs money, but you can do it pretty cheap with friends.

5.  If/When you fall in love, don't stop being who you are.  Realize why they fell in love with you in the first place.  If you start trying to conform to who they want, although it may work in the short term, you will regret it in the long term.

6. Eat what you want when you want because your metabolism will never be this good again!

7.  Tell people how you feel, don't expect them to just know.  Learn to express yourself and be open to other's feelings.  This is sometimes harder than it sounds.

8. Admit when you are wrong and do something about it.  This was something I struggled with for years.  Sometimes I still do.  It's important to recognize when you make a mistake.  It is not always necessary to be perfect or to be perceived as perfect.  It is actually very freeing to let go and say "oopps!"

9.Recognize and appreciate friends.  I have had many friends along the way. Some have stayed and some have gone.  But each were in my life at a particular time for a particular reason.  Even the "bad" friends who may have even hurt me, taught me so much and helped me along the way.

10. Have crazy great sex!  Don't be inhibited. Enjoy your body and others (responsibly!) But enjoy it never the less.  You will never be as taught, fit and flexible as you are now.



I would love to hear your "20's advice" in the comments below.
--Momma O

What was I thinking?

Highlights..... What was I thinking?  For those of you who know me, you have either seen pictures or seen in person my new highlights.  Not for long; I am getting my natural hair color back in a very unnatural way from the hair salon tonight.

My mom came out to visit for the day yesterday and I took the opportunity to go get my hair cut.  Wow, that sounds awful, but she does enjoy spending time with my little one who is home with me.  Not that I don't enjoy spending time with my little one, or my mom for that matter, but I need to groom, right?  I mean don't I deserve a hair cut once every 3 months? Why are you so judgmental?  I never get out by myself!  I know that the laundry should take precedent over my own vanity, so sue me!  Excuse my argument with myself. It happens daily, I really need to work on that relationship.

I was driving to the salon.... Salon sounds so hoopy-poopy, it is a place I get my hair cut next to the Giant Supermarket!  Anyway, I was feeling daring.  I was thinking 'let's go short.'  Then I remembered 1996.  It was a year of many changes for me.  I broke off a long term relationship (good change)  I moved back home for a year (bad change)  I got a new job (good change) and I cut my hair short(really bad change).  Although at the end of that year, when my hair grew back, I fell in love with my now husband. (best change in my entire life).  Back to 2011,  in my minivan, deciding I wanted a change; I thought highlights.

Now my hair is naturally a dark chocolate brown with white hair creeping in all over the place.  I don't mind the white, as it is pretty well hidden and only in certain spots.   I like my hair.  I always have.  It is the one constant thing I can count on.  Even it's frizziness is reliable.  So I asked the hair dresser if she had the time to do highlights.  Which is like asking, "hey, do you have time for me to spend $125 as opposed to $35?"  The answer was a resounding, "yes."

Fast forward to 3 hours later in my room and me crying like a baby.  My little one was napping.  I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "stop crying you dumb ass!  This is what you asked for, Carmel highlights! Now don't be so goddamn vain and buck up!" I thought I would just deal with it.  Then my husband came home.  I did not tell him I got highlights before he saw me.  His reaction was priceless.  It was a mixture of shear panic, repressed laughter, and tact.  I kind of enjoyed watching him squirm as he looked for the right words, which were "Hey, look at your hair, it's a different color. (long pause, sweet smile) Is it kaiser permanente?" Yes he was trying to be cute with the "kaiser permanente."  It was right then and there that I decided to go back to any salon and get my natural color died back onto my hair.

Now, being a somewhat liberal, somewhat feminist, this is hard to admit.  But I want my husband to find me physically attractive.  I won't change something that I like about myself in order for that to happen, but I will change something that I don't like.  So I have an appointment tonight for a re-transformation.

This is all so trivial, so ridiculous.  In the grand scheme of things this just does not matter.  There are people with real problems.  Wait, you have not been formally introduced, Blog Readers this is my Guilt, Guilt these are my Blog Readers, please leave them alone and continue to plague me.

I have anything and everything I could want and more.  Why am I looking for a change in my appearance?  If I really want to change my appearance, I need to get my ass back to my Zumba classes at the YMCA and lose some lbs!  That is the change I need.  Although is is so much easier to sit and eat.

So I am giving in to my vanity and getting my hair back.  I will hopefully feel better and my husband will sleep with me again. Not that he wouldn't but if I don't feel sexy ain't no body feeling sexy!   

Ignore this post

CBY7TGV3G7D4

A Mom's life....Just sayin'

We are always thinking five steps ahead.  Whether you work in the home, or both in and out of the home, mothers everywhere are on top of their game.  If they are not they are lam blasted by anyone who has an opinion.  

I have young children and watch other people's young children.  When watching my kids or others my first priority is, well, them.  If they want to play, we play, if they want to eat, we eat, if they want to go outside, we go outside, if they want... well you get the picture.  I do this all the while planning my next 18 hours.  I am clock watching for, meal time, diaper change time, potty time (mine and theirs),  snack time, nap time, homework time, laundry time, reading time, TV time, bath time and finally bed time.

As I am clock watching I am worrying.  Did they eat enough/too much?  Are they eating the right things? Did they poop/pee?  When was the last time they pooped/peed? Are they they on target developmentally?  Am I favoring one over the other?  Am I creating brats, who always get what they want? Am I too hard on them?  Do I expect too much/too little? Is my messy house a problem?  How do other moms keep everything so friggin clean and straightened up? How can I expect my kids to straighten up if I don't?  When can I get some "me" time?  Do I deserve "me" time?  Can I sneak in a nap?  Can I sneak in a nap and not feel guilty?  Do I hover over the kids too much?  Can I let them watch TV for over and hour?  What is with this attitude?  Is my 7 year old really rolling his eyes at me already??? How do I  get my children to wash their hands/say thank you/share/be kind to others/feel less anxious/pull up their zipper/tie their shoes/eat their food, etc.?

While all this is going on in my head, I am playing Star Wars, preparing meals cleaning up meals, setting up paper and washable markers, cleaning up said paper and washable markers... Damn it! they really are not washable! Playing Play-doh, why does it smell like that? It has not changed since the 70s, is it toxic?  Everything in the 70s was toxic, right? Getting juice, no milk, no water, no "I WANT JUUUUUIIIIICCE!!!!!"  Making appointments, planning vacations,  researching pre-schools, illnesses, parenting skills, sexual predators in my area.  How scary is that!  There are just too many freaky people out there!

I have only cracked the surface.  I am sure there is more, but it is 11 o'clock at night and I have used up my blogging time.   So I hope you enjoyed my brain, or lack there of!

Oh yea, did I mention I have to maintain a good marriage, a weight, an identity, my medication and my sanity.  "Can we fix it, Yes we can!" "They're the really useful crew" "Now be a good little monkey" "Here we go go go go, on an adventure" "Rescue pack, coming to the rescue, a'rescate" "Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?"

Let's start with something heavy and controversial: Roman Catholicism

My husband and I were both raised Roman Catholic, attended Catholic schools, were married in a Catholic Church and our boys were baptized Roman Catholic.  I am a lector at my church and I also have taught CCD. 

With that being said, I am conflicted, confused, disheartened and torn.  I do not feel that I belong in this Church any more.  I really don't think I want my boys brought up in this Church culture.  My husband and I are both somewhat,liberal minded.  We believe in the teachings of Jesus Christ.  We both take comfort in the ritual and symbolism in the RC Church.  We believe that we are here to not only worship God, but to help others.  And that is where it ends. 

With all due respect to the Church Hierarchy, I just don't think it is headed in the right direction nor is it likely to change. The sexual abuse scandals that have come up and the covering up of those abuses has been a slap in the face.  I personally know of  people who have been abused by RC priests. Most of their lives have been ruined.  They are shadows of who they could have been, plagued by drugs, alcohol, and mental illness.   Meanwhile the priests who had abused them either lived out their lives, uninterrupted, or were sent away as if on a retreat, to think about what they had done.  It is a disgrace.  The fact that the Archdiocese of Philadelphia is now funding a lawyer to defend Msgr. William J. Lynn, who is charged with putting children in danger is outrageous.   It is for this reason, I don't put money in my weekly envelope.  (Which I don't think makes a big difference, but it makes me feel better)

I have always had a problem with the fact that women in the Church were stifled.  There were some abusive nuns whom I encountered, but there were also some wonderful IHM nuns.  These nuns that I knew and loved have all but disappeared. I believe because of the Church's history of belittling and under-appreciating them.  Is it any wonder that the Catholic schools, who had such a great reputation in the past have fallen by the way-side and are closing left and right?  The nuns who ran these schools with the efficiency and excellence of the military are gone.  And they did it for free!  They did not get paid, they did it for the love of the children and for their Church.  Now, the Church has to pay lay-teachers to do this work and they pay them poorly. So as soon as a position in a public school opens up, they are gone, unless they are not qualified to teach in a public school, which many of them are not.  

The fact that Priests are not married also has alienated them from their own community, the very communities they are supposed to guide.  How can a priest relate to his congregation if he has never been in their shoes?  He has everything handed to him. His basic necessities are taken care of, i.e, housing, car, health insurance, pension.  AND he is paid a salary.  That is AFTER his basic needs are taken care of. Who gets a job with those kind of benefits?  How can he understand the juggling of finances all while raising children and taking care of extended family members? It's not like he has to worry about getting fired. He is a priest, the Church will always find a place for him, always take care of him.  Who, in the real world, has that kind of security?  

The Church's views on contraception, medically necessary abortions, who is and is not considered "in good standing,"  homosexuality and that we can not interpret the bible except through the Church are all stumbling blocks for me. 

I think I am looking for a church that does not exist.   My views are not meant in any way to offend or say that my way is the only way.  I am open minded. If you are a devout RC and follow everything the Church says, that is wonderful for you. I am just not there.  I guess it just comes down to how I want to raise my boys.  

It breaks my heart to think that my sons may not receive their First Holy Communion, or their Confirmation.  Why?  Is it because of the history of my Italian American culture? Yes. Is it because of the joy I felt as a child going through these rights of passage?  Yes.  Is it because I believe in transubstantiation?  I am not sure. Do I feel it is necessary to attend Church every Sunday?  Only if you feel that you need it or it helps.   I don't think voting democratic should have anything to do with my standing in church. I certainly do not believe that we are born with Original Sin.  A tiny baby is the most innocent being and can not have a stain on their most perfect souls. I don't believe that I have to tell a priest my sins in order to be forgiven by God. So I therefore feel like a hypocrite, like someone who does not have faith.   I am a hypocrite. I do not have faith in the RC Church.  I don't fault anyone who does, I just don't have it.  

I guess there are just so many questions.  So many unanswerable questions that I just don't know where the answers are.  

So there it is, my first blog post.  I hope you enjoyed my stream of conscience and my questions.  I don't know what my blogs will be like in the future, but probably not as heavy!