THE SIMPLE JOYS OF MY BOYS

• sticky syrup kisses
• belly laughs at the Marx Brothers/Three Stooges/Abbott and Costello
• pure excitement when daddy walks in the door
• pure joy over spending time with Nana and PopPop
• when one makes the other laugh
• when one comforts the other
• when they team up to be mischievous
• watching their concentration when painting/drawing/coloring
• seeing their pride in their creations
• bed head
• energy filled runs in no direction whatsoever
• long talks about their day/interest/fears/concerns
• being able to comfort them with a hug or snuggles
• watching them care for/play with the dog/cat
• watching their shared fascination with trains
• sticky peanut butter and jelly kisses
• seeing the little one mimic the bigger one who mimics his father
• seeing old pictures of myself/my husband/family members, that look like them
• watching the affinity they have for certain stuffed animals/toys
• Belly laughs
• secretly watching them play act or pretend play
• watching their excitement when they play with their friends
• seeing them drift off to sleep
• putting them to bed after a long day 
• seeing how content they are to be home after a vacation
• hearing them use new words that I did not even think they knew
• hearing the words they make up
• seeing their passion and investment in Philadelphia sports teams 
• pushing them on a swing
• sliding with them down a slide
• going on an amusement ride with them
• milk mustache kisses
• when I make them laugh
• seeing their joy when they make me laugh
• seeing their joy when it snows
• seeing their joy when they see the ocean
• seeing their joy when they see a bird/airplane/stars/moon/kite
• their excitement over playing with a balloon
• watching them interact with friends 
• their wonder
• their faces on Christmas morning
• their faces when blowing out birthday candles
• hearing them say a prayer
• seeing them have concern for others
• clean smelling, after bath kisses
• unexpected hugs
• when they hold my hand (and I don’t tell them to)

There are many things they do on a regular basis that make me smile, laugh, cry, think and wonder “How did I get so lucky to have these little blessings in my life?”  Please feel free to comment and add your own. I would love to hear them

Almost 40 and I don't give a shit.

As I enter my 40th year of life there are some things that I have come to realize.  First, I don’t give a shit.  And I mean that in the best possible way.  There are so many things that used to bother me that I really could not care less about now.  It has become very freeing.  I really don’t care about what others think of me.  I mean I never want to hurt anyone and I would very much take into consideration if you have a personal gripe or concern. I am open to changing my ways for the greater good.  However, I can’t be hurt by other’s opinions of me.  They are entitled to it and I respect that.  And hey, they may be right!  It is not my call.  But at the end of the day I can put my head on the pillow and fall right to sleep. 

Often times other’s criticisms are more a reflection of them than of who they are judging.  Judging is another thing I can’t be bothered with anymore. Don’t get me wrong, there are times I still find myself judging another. But I am learning that you really don’t know where another person has been in their lives or how they got to the point of being that bat-shit-crazy person standing in front of you. To people that are mean, nasty or disrespectful, I am learning to walk away from with a “Good luck and God Bless.”  I can not let that into my life.  This is an easy process if I don’t know you that well, but when it is someone who I know well or am related to, it takes a special kind of strength that I am still working on.  As far as the “I don’t give a shit” statement made in the first paragraph, this is where I have to learn how to do that with people in my inner sanctum!    

I do believe that I have stopped worrying about things that are out of my control.  I can not control the way others feel.  Period.  I can not control the way others act. Period.   The only control I have is how I react to situations, people and events.  I have the power to respond in a negative way or a positive way.  There are still many times that I do not react the best way possible but I am working on it. I have to start working in my own best interest.  Not in a selfish or greedy way, but in a healthy boundaries sort of way.  When I don’t want to do something that everyone and their mother seems to be telling me to do.  I don’t have to.  If they then want to throw in an “I told ya so,”  so be it.  It is no skin of my back that they have obsessed over MY decision until the outcome arrives.  As a matter of fact, that makes them kinda crazy, not me.  

The constants in my life, my family and very close friends are my hub and my joy. When I allow people into that space I do not take it lightly.  People that are close to me are my ‘safe zone’, that I do not extend to everyone.  In a general sense I like people, and I feel compelled to listen to their stories and share some of mine (obviously!) Sometimes the person and I just “click.” Other times there is no connection, but I no longer feel the obligation to find a connection. I usually walk away from them with a better sense of who I am or what I want in my life.  And that can not be bad thing. There are others who are just plain coo-coo-ka-choo and I will write an entire blog about them later!  

I have learned that being nice to people is really easy and it does not mean sacrificing who I am or what I want. My doing something for someone does not have to directly affect a return to me.  I am learning to do things for others because I WANT to, not because I expect praise, recognition, love or appreciation in return.  When I do things for others with this in mind it is more fulfilling and freeing than I ever imagined.  Because once you have given to another, it is done.  You feel good and you can move on.  You don’t have to wait for the return or even the reaction.  If you do for others with your best intentions and they don’t appreciate it, that is fine.  They don’t HAVE to appreciate it, because you did it out of love and nothing else.   

I guess what I am getting at is those old cliches of “life is too short,”  “carpe diem,” “live life to it’s fullest,” etc. etc.  No one really knows when things will change or end or become different.  I was in a horrible car accident in 2006. My injuries were extensive and life altering. I had initially had a lot of sadness, anger and frustration mostly because my son, who was only 2 at the time, was deprived of his mother as he knew her for at least 6 months.   My husband was also deprived of his wife and had to assist me in everything from getting me in and out of bed to shaving my legs to wiping my ass, literally.  I just wanted my life, as I knew it, back.  I was going along happy with my life and in an instant it was all taken away from me.  I wanted to blame something, someone. I no longer feel that way and am extremely thankful.  Now I can focus on what the accident taught me.  It can all be taken away.  Yes, It can all be taken away too quickly and without warning.  There is no room for drama when you look at it like that.  

I am trying to learn that have to make my own happiness and it is not dictated to me.  Kindness matters and the more you give the more you will get.  Maybe not directly or immediately but it will come.  So these are some of the things I have learned in my 39 years and 6 months on this earth.  Now if I could just figure out how to maintain my laundry.....

Sex and Communication... who needs it....I DO!

I have a wonderful husband whom I adore.  No seriously, he is a friggin riot and makes me laugh every single day.  We really get along pretty good and like spending time together.  I miss him. Oh, don’t get me wrong he lives here with me and does not travel or go anywhere.  He works somewhat normal hours. Some days are better than others but he is usually gone for about 10 hours a day.  When he is here, there is so much going on and a lot to do: dinner, homework, baths, bedtime, etc.  On the weekends, there is always something going on.  We always say we are going to spend time together after the kids go to bed.  But we are in a rut of having to sit in the 3 year old’s bedroom until he falls asleep and then escorting him back into the bed every few hours throughout the night. The 8 year old is jealous of the 3 year old and wants attention too.   When the kids are finally asleep, one of us is usually asleep also.  

My husband gets up really early for work so in the evening he falls out pretty early.  It gets so bad sometimes that we forget to tell each other things that have happened to us throughout the week.  We spend a lot of time catching each other up on our individual lives.  When we do try to have conversations the children are a real pain in the ass.  Their father’s attention is a hot commodity in this household.  They will do anything to be near him, talk to him, play with him, impress him, or just be in his presence.  This makes for difficulties when he and I try to talk.  If he hugs or kisses me in their presence, they laugh, attack us and yell at me to “get off daddy!”  He does enjoy spending time with them and if I am in a "mood," he would RATHER spend time with them.  That works out nicely because I am usually in a “mood” BECAUSE of them.

The hubby and I want to spend some quiet time together having a grown ass conversation without having to censor ourselves. You know the conversation when you have to speak of people in code names, hold back true feelings (i.e. cursing) or completely postponing the the topic.  I can’t tell you how many times the we say to each other.  “Holy shit, remind me to tell you what so and so said/my boss did/what I saw/what Howard Stern was talking about.”   Then we usually forget or just don’t have the energy to talk about it later.  

All you ever hear is how important communication is in a relationship.  Yea, do these people have any suggestions as to how to do this with kids?  I know I have heard, “schedule time together.”  How does that help with the kids always up our ass?  Should we lock them, the dog and the cat in a room and let them fend for themselves so we can communicate?  I am not about to get a babysitter, because I don’t want to GO anywhere.  I don’t want to have to get dressed and spend money that we don’t have just to talk.  

I have not even mentioned sex yet!  I miss sex, we both do!  Whoever said that women can go without it and not have a problem, weren’t doing it right.  It IS a problem.  The hubby and I usually have high aspirations early in the day.  Giving each other looks like, ‘Oh you just wait.’  The hubby will clean up or make dinner (this is foreplay in my book.)  Then by the time the day is over and the kids are finally asleep.  We look at each other and instead of ‘Oh you just wait’ it is more like “Oh, yeah, you...... ((big sigh)) can you just wait?”  I mean sometimes I can rally.  But other times we just smile and say, “Oh well.  Let’s try again tomorrow.”  

It is like exercising.  I love to work out, it makes me feel good, during and after.  It is the motivation to get started that causes problems.   Then the act itself involves a lot of preparation.  First I have to make sure the kids are sound asleep.  I sneak down the hall and close their doors, then we have to close and lock our door.  Then and only then can anything happen and that is somewhat stifled, if you know what I mean.   Remember spontaneous sex?  No, neither do I.  It was long ago and far away.  We keep talking about getting away together for a long weekend.   Even then there is concern. There was a time when hotel sex was hot, now it just kinda skeeves me thinking about who was doing what, when and where in that room.  I am always checking for bed bugs and spraying lysol all over everything.  I know.... I am a little up tight..... There is a REASON for that!!!!  HELP! Anyone else out there struggling with this.... anyone.... anyone..... Bueller?

More Catholic frustrations and daily life.

Ahhhh, the holidays are over, for the most part.  The only thing left is to de-decorate.  I am so tired.  The good eating and exercising I was doing, well, halted.  I was blowing up like a puffer fish and feeling like a slug.  Then the awful, dreaded stomach bug of 2011.  I got it 2 days before 2012 and it feels like I have been sick for a year.  I lost 10 lbs in 3 days and aside from the smell emanating from me, I was hot.  It is a week later and I am just starting to bounce back.  This is the weekend to take down the decorations and get the house back in order. Ha ha.  The house back in order.  What does that mean?  I am not sure.  

The looming news for us locals is the Philadelphia Archdiocese will be announcing the closings of many Catholic schools in the area.  It is sad and distressing.  It will not help anyone if these schools close.  The already struggling inner city public schools will be flooded with more students. The families that have struggled to pay the tuition for their students to get a better education are basically being shunned.  The Church wants all it’s children to get a Catholic education, however it is now limiting that opportunity and making the Catholic family’s lives that much more difficult.  As if a Catholic’s life is not difficult already.  

I have posted on this blog before about my conflicted views, but I really feel for those that have found their way in the Church and who have found peace in it.  It is a distressing time.  I have a good friend and neighbor who will have to wait until 4 pm today to see if her daughters will have to switch schools next year.  She is a devout Catholic and of all people deserves to be able to send her daughters to the Catholic school that she wants.  I feel for her.

I have plenty of suggestions about how the Church can obtain some money without hurting the school students.  

• They can take .5% of the paintings and art that the Church owns and sell it to museums all across the world.  
• They can take the vast and I mean VAST amounts of land (http://www.businessinsider.com/worlds-biggest-landowners-2011-3?op=1 )177 Million Acres) that they own throughout the world and sell some of it. 
• They can stop spending money to lobby in congress fighting legislation that allows insurance companies to pay for birth control.  http://www.salon.com/topic/catholic_bishops/ They are fighting that NON-Catholics be denied birth control!  Why?  
• They could stop paying for lobbyists to fight same sex marriage. (http://www.dailykos.com/story/2011/11/04/1033225/-Catholic-Bishops-Lobby-Congress-Against-Birth-Control,-Gay-Marriage,-and-More) They are fighting against the rights of non-Catholics.  WHY? 
• They could stop paying for lawyers and lobbyists to fight statutes of limitation for child sexual abuse.  (http://catholics4change.com/) 
• They could take some of the priests out of their individual homes and house them together and make them drive to work everyday like the rest of us.  
• They could stop supplying lawyers to defend priests accused of raping children. (That is what public defenders are for.)  

Why am I still so invested in this?  Why do I still get so fired up?  I am still hoping for the Church to change and be held accountable for it’s wrongdoings.  I am still praying for an uncorrupt religion that is simple in its message and kind in it’s teachings.  I am still waiting for the good priests who live in THIS century (there are many out there) to be put into leadership roles so they can help facilitate the changes needed.  I am still waiting for more of the parishioners to stand up for what is right and what they truly believe in their hearts and not just follow the Church blindly.  I am waiting to come home to my Church.  

Back to the life in my house.  We are playing play-doh and Cars 2 is the movie of the day.  My oldest has a major Lego project when he gets home from school. I will continue/restart my exercising.   Tomorrow will be the day that we take down the tree and the nativity set.  We always keep up the decorations until after Little Christmas.  For those of you not familiar it is also called the Feast of the Epiphany.  (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Christmas) It is a Catholic thing.  

Tis the season of lying... I mean that in a good way!

‘A crazy time of year’, is what people are saying.  Yes, I do agree.  There is more on our plates right now as the Christmas season is upon us.  Not only the basics but the buying of presents, 

the decorating, 

the baking, 

the cooking, 

the perpetration of a lie.  

Oh yes, tis the season of lying.  We even created a brand new lie called 'Elf on the Shelf.'  Or as I like to think of it, ‘just one more thing I have to remember to do before I fall into bed at night.’  

When I do forget, which happens at least once a week, I then have to field the barrage of questions, first thing in the morning. 

“Why didn’t Chris move, Mommy?” (Chris Miss is our elf’s name.)  

“Does that mean that Santa does not know about the bad stuff we did yesterday?”  

“Will Chris tell him tonight, about yesterday or will he just forget about it?”  

The list of questions goes on and on and on, and usually before I've had my cup of coffee.  

So I start off every day of the Christmas season with a lie to my children.  My 8 year old knows, I think,  but he still wants to believe.  He keeps asking us if Santa is real, if there are really elves, if we have ever seen the real Santa, oh, and the other day he asked how old Santa is.  So we make up stories and try to sound convincing. 

All the while I feel like he is looking at me and thinking, 'what a bunch of bull.'  He is a pretty savvy kid, and I think he just likes to see me and my husband squirm.  It’s his own little form of entertainment.  This is the first year I feel bad about lying to him.  

On the other hand we have a 3 year old who is just starting to get the whole Santa thing.  He is so excited and full of wonder that the lie seems, well, good.  He has no questions about Santa or how he gets in, or how the reindeer fly.  He just knows because we told him.  

At that age all you need is those you love and trust - who shape your world and whom you idolize - lovingly look at you and tell you that on Christmas eve, a fat, white, hairy, man in a red suit, will break into our house and leave toys if you are good.  The 3 year old just hears “toys” and believes.  

When I was growing up and I started the serious questions about Santa, my dad let me in on a secret.  He sat me down and told me that he had some information that not everyone talked about, and he felt I was old enough to know.  

First off, he told me Santa was not that jolly, he was too busy to be jolly.  Nor was his hair and beard all white.  It 
was graying and closely cropped to his face, not all long, because it would just get in his way.  He was not overly fat, either, because he was extremely active.  He did not wear a red suit, but normal clothes that kept him warm in the night air. He was rather short, had an olive complexion and a large nose. (Ironically, that pretty much describes my dad...hmmmmm) He did not live at the North Pole, but he had a home there.  He had homes all over the world and lived wherever he wanted.  He was the most kind and giving man on the face of the earth. Oh, and he was Jewish.  

Yes, my father told me that Santa was Jewish, just like Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus.  He said that Santa liked the image of the jolly fat white haired man because he could get around much easier and live amongst everyone without being noticed.  He also told me that there were no elves but he had many helpers who were just regular people that he employed but they all signed a confidentiality clause and were sworn to secrecy.  

For some reason, all that made complete sense to me.  The only problem I had was trying to convince my friends of this.  They did not believe me.  

It was my father’s way of letting me in on a secret.  The secret that not everything you are told is always the truth, even if many, many people tell the same thing.  

I have not told my 8 year the Jewish Santa story yet, but I think it might be time. He may need to feel like he is “in on it” just to believe for a little longer.  

Lying to our children may just be keeping them young and wondering for a bit longer.  Lying about Santa is now a tradition passed down from generation to generation.  Some people are against it and I can kind of see why.  We do spend our time teaching our children that lying is wrong. I mean, how ironic is it that on the day we celebrate the birth of - who we believe to be - the Son of God, we are breaking a commandment of God’s?  How can we justify it?  I don’t know. 

But I do know I love the wonder in my little ones' eyes as we set up the tree.  

I love the hope and pure excitement that the season brings to them.  

I love how they painstakingly write their Christmas list to Santa and refuse to sit on his lap in the mall.  

I love how happy they are on Christmas morning when they realize that Santa showed up the night before.  

As a general rule lying is wrong, but for those of you who have children and continue to perpetrate this particular lie,  let me say Mazel Tov!  

Gimme a Break

I am not good at getting the little stuff done.  It is a process throughout the day, that leads up to total mind numbness.  I start off good and with good intentions.  My plans are always: clean the house, put stuff away when I am done with it, leave the TV off and play more with my son, get off this godforsaken computer, do more laundry, clean out the family's clothes that no longer fit, and will never fit anyone in the house so I can donate them, make healthy meals, exercise, walk the dog more than once a day, organize, etc. This is all on top of the normal list of get the kids up and ready, go food shopping, pay bills, basic hygiene, etc. My mind starts off fresh and in complete gratitude for what I have and what I am to accomplish each day.  Then it starts.  The whining, complaining and frustration, oh and this is all coming from me.  I lay there in bed and after I think about all that I want to accomplish I instantly start sabotaging my list. I am queen of procrastination.  If there is a deadline, I will get it done right under the wire.  If it is an “open-ended” goal, just assume I will never get it done.  

I started this new workout program.  It is very basic and very attainable.  You just work out once a day and drink a shake once a day.  You are accountable (through facebook) to a group of friends who are doing the same thing.  I always like working out and always, always feel better after I do.  I also enjoy the shake.  It is very good.  But even with the ease and accessibility of this program, most days I am working out and downing a shake at 11pm!  WHY?  Who can tell me why I make the things that can be an enjoyable part of my day into a deadline stressor?  

Being a mom, I go through most days, especially since my kids are young, trying to plan out the next time I will get a break, either to sleep or just sit and stare into space. I spend a lot of time thinking, ‘Should I start that now, because if I do, I will never get it done and the kid’s movie is keeping them quiet right now? Maybe I should just take the opportunity to sit here and stare into space?’  Yes I have done that.  The moment only lasts minutes, but sometimes as many as 15 minutes and I then get snapped out of it by something or someone yelling for me. It is almost an obsession, of looking for opportunities to steal a break.  It is something I have become good at.  I am not proud of this.  I feel like a “break” junky.  If I don’t get a daily break, I get more and more agitated.   The days progress with me getting done about one tenth of my original list. The things I do get done every day seem to be the same, my boys are fed, the kitchen gets cleaned, I play with my 3yr old and read with my 8 yr old, every day.  These are the constants that seem to get done. There are even times that the other things get done!

Some days are better than others but they all seem to end the same way.  With me getting the kids to bed and then I don’t want to DO anything, I don’t want to THINK about anything or TALK about anything. All I want to do is get lost something like “True Blood,” “The Tudors,”  a good book, Ancestry.com or on facebook. Anywhere as long as it does not involve, laundry, cleaning, kids, cooking, folding, straightening or fixing.  The end of the day is my “super break” if you will.  It is an extended length of time to just be. There are times I am so tired that I should just go to sleep, but I stay awake just to have that time to myself.  

I know most of you are reading this thinking, ‘how sad.’  There are so many that seem to have it together, with extremely productive days and they get it all done with a smile.  I am not one of those people.  I don’t think it is what I was made to be.  Don’t get me wrong, I get a lot done, my boys want for nothing, including my time and attention.  My husband is my true partner and best friend.  I can cook like a mo’ fo’ and if you are in a crisis situation, I am your woman to take control and fix everything for you.  As a matter of fact I am good a taking control of most things and had to learn to hold back on that a bit.  So what if I am undisciplined in the minutia?  My house is a mess because my kids, dog, cat and a lot of other people's kids have fun in it.   The clothes are clean, just not put away.  I think we (meaning I) have to stop beating ourselves up for who we are not and start celebrating who we are.  Right?  or is that just a cop out?  My brain hurts, I need a break!

Child Sexual Abuse and the Sandusky Case

It’s an epidemic.  It is a cultural disease that needs to be eradicated.  I am so disgusted and appalled.  I am not only talking of child sexual abuse, but of the rampant coverup and protection of the perpetrators. 

Gerald Sandusky, a former Penn State football coach is currently indicted on 40 counts of sex crimes against young boys, following a three-year investigation.  It is all the news anyone is talking about.  I read the Grand Jury report. You can read it here: http://www.wgal.com/pdf/29737452/detail.html  It is disturbing to say the least.  Some parts I had to quickly skim over,  just to avoid vomiting.  I read it just to see if there were really people who could have known about what happened to these boys and stood by and did nothing.  There were so many people that could have stepped up for these children, that it is unfathomable to me.  

The question I have and many have been asking is; how can a grown man witness a 10 year old boy being raped by another grown man and simply walk away?  It would have taken such little effort, at the least, to pick up the phone and dial 9-1-1.  What stopped him from doing this?  I think that most of us would have done that and more.  I could not imagine seeing a child being brutalized and not do everything in my power to physically protect that child.  The perpetrator was in the most vulnerable position a person can be in.  He was naked.  So you knock him out, and if you can’t do that,  just take his clothes.  Then get the child away from him and wait for the police and ambulance.

This 10 year old little boy, only known as “Victim 2” in the Grand Jury report, has not been seen or heard from since.  No one knows who he is. He did not come forward.  This information about him was obtained while doing the investigation on the 7 other victims.  No one knows who this child was, because no one helped him.  No one cared, no one stopped his abuser and no one ever found out if he was alright.   If he is still alive he is a 19 year old now.   For some reason I can not stop thinking about this anonymous boy.

The man who witnessed this crime was Mike McQueary.  Instead of stopping the rape of this little boy Mr. McQueary left the locker room “distraught”  and called his father.  Upon getting the call, his father told him to come home!  Then they both decided to call Joe Paterno the next day!  WHAT?  Why would they call Joe Paterno?  Where is the rational?  OK so they did not handle this properly, certainly Mr. Paterno would call the police.  No, he called his boss, the Athletic Director. Well there has to be some protocol that he knows about that would tell HIM to call the police. No, they just tried to make it go away, by doing nothing.  I just can’t seem to get it.  These are good men with families, known for their upstanding character and not one of them did the right thing.  They all failed that 10 year old boy.  They then subsequently failed every other child who was raped and/or molested by Sandusky after that incident.  

It makes no sense to me that the reputation of a School or a football program is so sensitive that they could not have exposed Sandusky at the first inkling.   Wouldn’t you want to expel someone like this and have them removed completely from your organization... immediately?  Wouldn’t that hold up your reputation and support your motto, Success with Honor?   Not for nothin’ but Mike McQueary is still at Penn State, he is the the football team’s receivers coach.  

The epidemic of child molestation and rape is rampant.  I am not being melodramatic here.  The current statistics are that one in three girls and one in seven boys will be sexually abused.  (http://www.stopitnow.org/csa_fact_prevalence1) Think about that.  Go to your child’s classroom of 25 children and realize that  about 6 of them are being or will soon be sexually abused.  Then walk down the hall to the next classroom and do the same thing, then walk down to the next classroom.  The magnitude is staggering. It also must be known that for every brave soul who comes forward and reports being sexually abused there are at least 3 that remain silent.  

All of this was brought to light, for me, with the Catholic Church scandal.  I did not want to believe it, nor did I want to even acknowledge the accusations.  But I did wind up reading both Grand Jury reports that were done on the Archdiocese of Philadelphia.   Again the most disturbing aspect of these very similar cases, of men in power abusing young children, is those that let it happen.  The men who witnessed questionable behavior, who were presented with corroborating facts of sexual abuse, who were told by the perpetrators that it would never happen again, chose to do nothing.  How?  Why?  What is holding them back? What are they afraid of?  

I tend to lean toward the theory that our society does not value the lives of women and children.  There are some men who do not view them as a complete person.  So their suffering and needs are beneath the needs of the male perpetrator.  Then I think that some men may still believe that they should not be a snitch.  Some may fear or have some displaced loyalty to those in power, especially those above them.  

I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I am just a mom, who had to have another talk with her children about being safe, good touch/bad touch and trusting their instincts. Telling them that ‘if something does not seem right, scream, yell and get away from the person who makes you feel uncomfortable. EVEN if you know them and they pretend to be your friend.  Then come and tell me or dad.’   It is scary and sad that there is a prevalence of sexual abuse by men in power.  It just make me question, where will the next scandal come from and how can we stop it?

Feast of All (those crazy) Souls

It is all Souls Day as I write this and I am feeling pensive and a bit solemn.  I look at my children and I see how fast time is going by. I look at my parents and feel the same way.  I look at myself and although I have physically changed, I feel like I have always felt.  The passage of time plays tricks on you.  The passage of people does the same. 

My grandfather, who passed last year, is still as present in my life has he was when he was alive.  I see him in my youngest son.  I have a vivid memory of my grandfather holding my youngest son when he was about 9 months old.  He said “You make sure he knows who his Poppie-Pop was, I want him to know me.”  I really think that my Pop, has made himself known not only to my son, but through my son.   My son will say something, make an expression or show a mannerism that IS my grandfather.  I know many will think this is nuts.  So be it.  

I also have had an ongoing relationship with my great-grandmother who passed in 2001.  She was 96.  We were close when she was alive and I feel her presence at times still. But not as much as I did years ago and when I was pregnant with my first born.  When I was pregnant I would actually smell her face powder, or her apartment and I was instantly comforted. I now have dreams where I talk to her and give her hugs and know that is really her.   A little crazy, maybe, but I don’t have a problem with it.

I do a lot of research on our family tree.  I get on ancestry.com and am lost for hours in my detective hunt of who is who, where they lived and what they did.  These were all my people who have gone before me and paved the way for the life I lead now.  I have discovered ship manifests of countless relatives that came here in search of..... who knows?  I would like to think it was a better life.  One relative came with her baby girl a year after her husband had established a residence and a job; coming here to start a life. They partially raised 4 children until she died in childbirth with the 5th, who also passed.  Was her life better or worse here?  Who is to know, but I am sure many in her village thought she was crazy for leaving. 

Another relative lied to her family telling them she was coming here to bring her brother back.  She had no intention of doing so.  Instead she came here following the love for her soon to be husband.  She left her family and the country she knew for a possibility.  This same woman was also a healer in her South Philadelphia neighborhood known for  “laying of hands.”  She wanted to pass this on to her daughter (my grandmother) but my grandmother thought she was nuts.  I sometimes think I might have been a good healer.  

They all came here almost penniless, they worked, raised their families, persevered and passed it all on to the next generation.  Some did this better than others.  I still feel some of them around me and mine.  It gives me hope and incentive to live up to their ideals and expectations.  So tonight I will toast my ancestors, and pray for their guidance.  You may think I am nuts.  It must run in the family.  

What I did today!

Here is a stream of consciousness, non-punctuated, rambling list of my day, yesterday.  I laughed when I re-read it and hope you will too.  If you are wondering what I am doing today, please read the blog again.  If you wonder what I am doing tomorrow, please read the blog again.

What did I do today?  Watercolored, wiped the same nose about 100 times, wiped the attached butt about 40 times, watched approximately 15 mins of each of the following: Whinnie the Pooh, Tangled, Garbage trucks, Thomas and Whinnie the Pooh and Tangled again.  Made breakfast, fed breakfast, partially cleaned up breakfast, made lunch, fed lunch, partially cleaned up lunch.  Gave medicine, tried to give a nap, gave up and turned Thomas back on. Re-washed a load of laundry that was left in the washer from last night, checked facebook, checked e-mail, checked my calendar, canceled appts and tasks that were overlapping, tried to reschedule said tasks, played trains, lincoln logs, tried to clean up play room while my 3 yr. old sat on my back like a cowboy, laughing and saying giddy-up mommy!  let the dog out, let the dog in, repeating this process about 15 times throughout the day, broke up cat and dog fights, stared at two baskets of laundry that have needed to be folded for 3 days, asked my 3 yr. old to pick up his blocks that he put in the living room so the dog won’t eat them, while he half heartedly picked up a few blocks I asked him to get the red one that went under the couch, he handed me the blue one, I then stopped cleaning up the blocks and started playing a color game with my son, fearing he is color blind, or maybe I just don’t spend enough time teaching colors, then put that in my mental file for a later google, laughed at his explanation as to why red is blue and blue is yellow, called my grandmother, made to feel guilty by said grandmother, called my mother, made to feel inadequate by said mother (no fault of her’s it is all in my crazy head)  called my mother-in-law and well, just hung up confused, thought about how disorganized I am, wondered where that comes from, realized that it was time to get my 8 yr. old from the bus, took the dog for a walk, borrowed peas from a nice neighbor so I could make tuna casserole, made tuna casserole for the hub and I and made turkey burgers and sweet potato fries for the kids, all the while breaking up arguments between aforementioned kids, broke up fights between the dog and cat, fed dog and cat while simultaneously continuing to clean up breakfast and lunch, ate dinner with the boys, talked to hub on the phone who said he would be home late.... again, tried to convince my boys that sweet potato fries were just as good as regular fries, 8 yr. old was still hungry so I made him some left over mac and cheese, cleared the table and started homework with my 8 yr. old while my 3 yr. old ran around the living room with the dog, both riling up each other to the point were I KNEW someone will get hurt, tied to keep the 8 yr. old on track with his homework, while he whined and complained, got the kids jammies on hub came home and all hell breaks loose as the dog, cat, and boys ran to him like he was the second coming of Christ, he was equally as excited to see them and they proceeded to wrestle and jump around like lunatics as each was vying for daddy’s attention and getting jealous of any attention paid to the other,  hub then carried both up the stairs, got their teeth brushed and put them into bed, I then went up and finished the process by reading books with each while the hub almost falls into bed himself, I kiss all three of them and came back downstairs to the dinner mess, the living room and play room looked like a bomb went off, started cleaning up, as I answer a few calls from upstairs, (no not a call from God but from my little gods, demanding my homage and obedience if I want them to sleep), put the food away, took the dog out, wrote this blog, now I am off to bed it is 10:45pm and the house will have to stay this way...... DAMN IT, I left that load of laundry in the washer AGAIN and I never googled color blindness!

Back to the Catholic Guilt.

He said he wants his First Holy Communion!  What? I am struggling with our decision to.... I don’t even know!  I am not even sure what the decision was.  We are not going to church anymore, and I did not sign up my son for CCD this year.  If you need more of a backstory, go to my very first post on this blog. (http://mommas-musings-by-momma.blogspot.com/2011/05/lets-start-with-something-heavy-and.html)  I still consider myself Catholic, only because that was how I was brought up and it still remains within me somewhere.  But I felt like a hypocrite going to church and not really believing in the Church anymore.  I want to instill a strong faith in our sons, but really have a tough time with some of the teachings of my childhood church.  And not just the remote controversial teachings, but the fundamental teachings of Transubstantiation, Reconciliation, and the church hierarchy. Not to mention the Church’s views on married priests, female priests, and homosexuality. Not to further mention it’s horrible handling of abusive priests and political moves it is making against legislation that will help victims of childhood sexual abuse.  

Please understand, I don’t in any way think that those that attend Catholic church and are devout to it’s teachings are bad, misguided or even wrong.  I commend them for finding that which has eluded me.  I am happy that they feel at peace and in harmony within the Church.  I wish that for everyone.  Personally, I don’t want to be a hypocrite and go to church out of some fear that if I don’t, I will go to hell.  That if I don’t attend church and be an active member of the church community I am bad person.  Honestly, I just want to live my life and be good to others and raise my boys to be loving and caring adults.  

So back to my dilemma, my son wanting his First Holy Communion.  I asked him why and he said so that he can get the bread when we go to church.  I told him that we really don’t go to church and he said “but for when we do, I want to be able to go up and get the bread!”  Then I started thinking, why can’t he just go up and get the bread.  No one will stop him.   Instantly I thought, ‘But that is against the rules of our Church. It is sacrilegious, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to those that keep the Church’s teachings.’  Then think through the fact that my husband and I both got our First Holy Communions and it was a wonderful right of passage; a beautiful ceremony that brought us more fully into the fold of the Church.  But do I want my children in the fold of this Church?  It does not seem like the same Church I grew up with.   

My first and foremost thought is the health and happiness of my children, physically, mentally and spiritually.  How am I to know what their spiritual needs are?  I am not completely sure what mine are. There are certain things that I feel in my gut and know to be right.  I believe Jesus wants us to show love, tolerance and inclusion.  I think He was trying to tell us that we must find God within ourselves and those around us. By loving others we will find peace and happiness.  It seems that at the base some Catholic organizations, this is true.  I look at the wonderful work that Catholic Charities does for the poor, (without trying to convert.)  I look to Mother Teresa’s Missionaries of Charity and the Human Rights work the Franciscans do.  But when I see that Monsignor Lynn, who was arrested for protecting sexually abusive priests then suspended from ministry was APPLAUDED at an invitation-only dinner for Archbishop Chaput, who pointed out how difficult the ordeal has been on Msgr. Lynn.  My blood boils.  (http://www.philly.com/philly/news/breaking/20111004_Suspended_monsignor_draws_support_from_Chaput.html) Msgr Lynn was arrested for shuffling pedophile priests and teachers around (Not alleged pedophiles but convicted abusers) and for covering it up. He was applauded!  Why is he not hanging his head in shame, even if he did not do what he was arrested for doing?  Wouldn’t you feel awful that your direct reports were abusing children on the job and you did not know about it? Wouldn’t you be doing all you can to help the victims and their families?  Not sitting at some exclusive dinner accepting applause!  

I have had this conversation with friends who feel the same way and are sending their children to Catholic school or to CCD, because they still believe in the sacraments.  I completely respect that.  I just don’t know what to do about my son now wanting his First Holy Communion.  My husband and I have not had a chance to revisit this subject since my son just asked this yesterday.  I am confused and conflicted. I had a long conversation with my son about Jesus and God and how we can commune with them anytime, not just at church.  I talked to him about how much he is loved not only by us but by God.  I explained how special and unique he is and to honor that by being a kind and loving person.  He had some insightful things to say like how all our ancestors were the stars in the sky and they were angels looking down on us.  He also told me that when you go to Heaven you can be whatever age you want at anytime explaining that Poppy-Pop (his great-grandfather who passed away last year at the age of 92,) can be 16 or 8 or 49 depending on his mood.  He also asked, why we don’t go to church anymore.  I was honest with him and told him that I did not have a really great reason.  I told him that it was stressful to go to church and we did not seem to like it too much anymore.  But just because we did not go, did not mean that church was not good.  It just meant that it is not what we are doing it right now.  It is all so confusing and frustrating.  I guess the question still remains - will I let him get his First Holy Communion and how do I get him into CCD now that the year has already started? More importantly do I want to?

Cord of Money

Ah, my husband.  He is a wonderful man and great father.  I enjoy his company and he makes me laugh daily.  With that being said, at times, he can be an enigma.  Many of my fellow wives out there may be able to relate.  Whether your particular husband has an obsession with fantasy football/baseball, or likes to play with his adult toys like video games or four wheelers, or if he is a fanatic about his yard, in any case, it can be confusing and overwhelming to the wife.  

My husband has a few idiosyncrasies, but one that seems to be a little different is his obsession with building fires.  No he is not a crazy pyromaniac.  He simply likes to build controlled fires either in our fire pit or in an old Weber grill.  The other day he frantically runs to me and asks for $150.00.  Like a child who just heard the bell of the ice cream truck, holding out his hand as if I had $150.00 in my pocket.  He “needed” this for “a great deal.”  

I am in charge of the bills and finances.  I make his paycheck stretch to within an inch of its life every two weeks.  Normally I would be bringing home extra money this time of year by watching other peoples’ kids.  Unfortunately there are no kids to watch (besides my own) this year. So things are pretty tight and I really have to rein in all spending.  I knew that when he asked me to take out $150.00 we only had about $200.00 in the checking account and that had to last us for another 5 days.  So my initial reaction to his request was “no!”  What did we need for $150.00?   He proceeds to tell me that he was talking to this guy who he saw on Rt 202, who had a cord of wood that he would drop at our house for only $150.  First off, who just finds a guy on Rt 202 on his way home from work, second, we don’t have the extra money to spend on all that wood, third, who needs all that wood?  Ok that is a very good deal for a cord of Ash, however, it is a LOT of wood.  We don’t have a real fireplace, nor do we have a wood burning stove (well we do, but it does not work and is sitting in my husband’s shed for a future “project” so that he can heat his shed and go out there and play in the winter.  Can you hear me rolling my eyes?)  

We don’t NEED wood to keep our family warm, we have propane heat that we spend a lot of money on.  This wood is specifically for him to play with in the back yard.  Yes, I admit, I do enjoy sitting out by the fire on a cool fall night with a beer and good conversation.  BUT I NEVER GET TO DO THAT!!!! I am too busy yelling at our boys not to run near the fire pit, not to throw anything into the fire, watching out for the large culmination of neighbor’s children who come over at the sight of the flames, bringing said children in to go to the bathroom, get a bandaid, check what time it is, etc.  Then it is finally time for my youngest to go to bed. At which time I have to take care of the entire bedtime routine by myself, because someone needs to be out by the fire.  By that time, I am beat and not going to leave my child in the house by himself so I can go and sit by the fire.  I then have to contend with getting my older one to go to bed and his pleas for being able to stay out by the fire with daddy and as his whining as he gets more tired.  See what I am saying?  

Meanwhile my hubby is sitting in his adirondack chair, sipping his Octoberfest and smiling and relaxing.  Not like he does not deserve it. It is not something he gets to do, hardly ever. It is actually a wonderful sight to see.  He works really really hard all week and lately his work has been less than fulfilling.  He is a stand up guy and does not compromise himself. He does not get enough appreciation for that.   He is an amazing provider and my best friend.  He very rarely lets himself just relax, and sit.   So if he wants to burn a cord of wood and enjoy some evenings in the back yard, $150.00 is really not that bad a deal.  Besides it makes up for the boots I just bought myself! 

A quick rant

I have not blogged in quite some time and I have to get back into it.  I enjoy it and it makes me feel better.  It is much cheaper than therapy!  It is like working out.  I always feel better when I am doing it and afterwards, but it is getting started that is the problem.    Speaking of therapy I really need some. I have been in such a funk/depression/anger management problem for the past week or so.  If you are a fellow woman reading this, you may understand the monthly monster that kicks your ass and every one within a 5 mile radius who deals with you.  I am not sure if that is what is going on.  All I know is I feel like shit.  I am tired all the time, all I want to do is eat, everything that anyone says or does pisses me off, even myself.  I am pissing me off.  I have everything I could ever want; a happy marriage, healthy, happy kids, a new puppy, a wonderful home and great friends and family.  What the f**k do I have to be upset about?  Why can’t I get off my ass and snap the f**k out of it?  

I have been to therapy, I know the coping skills.  I have dealt with my issues, set the boundaries, healed the inner child, etc. etc. etc.   Why then do I have no motivation?  I need to get stuff done and always feel as though I don’t know where to begin, so I just don’t.  If I don’t think it can get done right, or if I am not forced to do it, I just don’t do it.  If I don’t have a particular spot to put something it will sit there until I can find the perfect spot, instead of just putting it away.  I don’t know, then sometimes I find myself shoving things away anywhere they will fit, just so I don’t have to look at it.   Whatever, I am so over myself.  I have anything and everything I have ever wanted and what am I doing?  Whaa whaa waa, like a little spoiled brat.     

OK I feel better already.  Thanks for reading that rant.  I needed it.  Sometimes I just need to slap myself across the face and snap myself out of it.  I have better blogs coming.  Over the past few months I have started some really good ones.  I will finish them soon.  Thanks for being patient.  Blog to you all soon!